Blessings and Prayers in Nashville

Benediction

2010-10-01T16:14:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking and reflecting for a while now on how to "close" this blog. My year in Nashville is over. I spent my five-ish weeks in Erie. And now I'm settling into the graduate school chapter of my life in Decatur, Georgia.

Last weekend, I was out in Ghost Ranch, New Mexico for the YAV Re-entry retreat. I'm still processing how I felt about that experience, but it certainly has helped me to understand some of the emptiness I'm carrying around with me. The emptiness of leaving behind a place, people, and life to move onto something completely new.

My year in Nashville was exhilarating. Full of the completely unexpected. Challenging. Eye-opening. Frustrating. Beautiful. Life-changing.

I will never be the same. I left part of my spirit there; with the people I grew to love, the places I frequented, the dreams and fears that I faced there. In some ways, Nashville will always fall under my list of "homes" or places where my heart feels it belongs. Malawi is also on that list, just like Guatemala, Jamaica, Westminster, and Columbia Seminary will probably soon be on that list. Each of those places has changed me. Forced me to see the world differently. To embrace that which I thought I would never experience.

And like all those other places, my Nashville memories will fade. The places will become foreign. I'll lose touch with the people there. But it will forever remain a part of me. I'll never be the same Bethany who moved to Nashville in August of 2009.

As I've officially moved into the next year of my life, I continue to move onto new adventures. The changes are the constants in my life, and I'm embracing that. So, I guess this isn't as much of a closing as it is a realization that my life continues to move forward. I'll be forever thankful that I took that risk to move away from all that I knew and do my best to embrace the unknown. It was, and continues to be, a year of my life full of blessings and prayers in Nashville.

Memories

2010-09-11T15:22:00.003-05:00

On August 1, 2010, I drove out of Nashville. I said my good byes, packed up my belongs (so much for simple living!) and prepared for five weeks in Erie. Now, a little over a month later, I'm still debriefing and processing my YAV Nashville experience. It was a year that will be hard to forget, that's for sure. I experienced the unexpected, found my voice and learned to use it, grieved deeply, discovered deep joy in who I am, among countless other things. I took time to meet and engage new people. I fought battles with myself; struggling to discover who it was (and is) that I was to become.

It wasn't always easy. It wasn't always pretty.

But I'd do it all over again if I could.

Even now I have a million memories, thoughts, feelings, and experiences streaming through my mind: the rafting trip, Fall break in Memphis, Guatemala, two hour conversations, preaching, Sweet CeCe's, las marcas, Ugly Mugz, Common lunches, Family nights, Honky Tonks. . . . Most of these things might not mean anything to others, but they will forever be a part of my Nashville memories. Memories I will hold onto as long as possible.

My Young Adult Volunteer year certainly was "A year of service for a lifetime of change." Thanks be to God!

change

2010-07-14T14:08:00.002-05:00

It’s hard to believe that my time as a YAV is nearly complete. My year commitment is in its final two weeks, and I’m left wondering (as I think we all do at times of transition): “Have I made a difference?”

When people ask what I’ve learned and experienced this year, I typically say something about lots of personal growth, change and struggle. Sometimes I mention that I’ve lived this year in intentional Christian community, spent time each week in discernment, and have served through the lens of social justice. I’ve told people that I worked with the Presbyterian Campus Ministry on the campuses of Belmont and Vanderbilt Universities, and often took students to coffee shops to hear their stories. And while all of that is true, it doesn’t tell the whole story of what this year means to my life. When I reflect upon my “year of service for a lifetime of change” (which is the YAV motto) I think of many powerful moments:

The fall break trip was a social justice trip to Memphis. A week before the trip, a senior student asked if there were scholarships available so she might be able to go on the trip. We were able to give her a full scholarship and she joined us. On the second night of the trip, we helped serve a dinner for the homeless community. A beautiful thing happened during that meal. The student sat down and spent most of the evening talking with the folks at one of the tables. I later learned that was the first time she had ever interacted with anyone who was homeless.

After a long night (and early morning) helping students host Room in the Inn, I invited two students to join me for a coffee at Starbucks. I wasn’t thinking about anything beyond my personal need for some caffeine. But those students had a lot on their minds and hearts that they needed to talk about. We spent two hours talking that morning. We talked about life, about God, about what it means to be a Christian, about the life-changing impacts of our spring break trip to Guatemala and what it looks like to bring one’s faith into everyday life. Two hours of authentic, Spirit-filled conversation.

Walking into Downtown Presbyterian Church one sunny Sunday morning, I smiled at a group of men gathered on the stairs. It was a group of men who would have frightened me at the beginning of my time at Downtown. On this particular morning, I took my sunglasses off before entering the narthex and said “hello” with a smile. One of the men looked up at me, and thanked me. He thanked me for noticing him and for sharing a smile.

For several years, people have told me that I needed to pursue a theological education. I’ve always tried to run from such a calling. In March my supervisor at Presbyterian Campus Ministry asked me to preach and for whatever reason I said yes. In the midst of my sermon, I knew with confidence and joy that I was doing what God had created me to do. I couldn’t run anymore. I knew in that moment that I was going to seminary.

When I first read the YAV motto, I did not really think that my life would change after a year of service. I knew lives would change and that growth would transpire. I assumed that I would be an agent in changing the lives around me.

Beyond anything else, I have changed this year. I’ve been forced to embrace who it is that I am. I’ve learned what it means to grieve, to face conflict, to be assertive. I have learned the power in walking with others, of being present, and the power in listening. While I’m sure it’s been happening for a while, I am becoming the person I have always hoped to become. I’ve finally accepted my calling to go to seminary. I’ll venture to another new place, Columbia Theological Seminary, and start another chapter of my life there in September.

This year of service in Nashville brought about a deep change within me. Thank you for being some of the people who have encouraged me this year. Thank you for welcoming me into your community as a stranger and for letting me venture on knowing that I have a place in Nashville to return to. I took a risk in coming to Nashville as a Young Adult Volunteer. I took the risk the song “The Summons” offers: ‘will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?’ I took that risk . . . and I will never be the same.

One Month

2010-07-01T13:19:00.003-05:00

It's July 1.

I am done being a YAV on July 31.

I have one month left of service. One month left.

On August 1, I hope to be in Pennsylvania.

Where has the time gone?

Some days, I'm eager to finish up this year and move on.

I'm excited for a single apartment; exploring a new state; starting school.

But also sad, esepcially when I hear about the plans for PSF next year.

For the friends I'll be leaving behind.

Sad for the community I've worked so hard to build.

On August 1, I hope to be in Pennsylvania.

I have one month left of service. One month left.

I am done being a YAV on July 31.

It's July 1.

One month left.

Montreat

2010-06-20T08:10:00.003-05:00

I often describe myself as a "Proud Presbyterian." I love our traditions, our way of doing things (although committees can be overrated at times!), and the work we engage. But besides the National offices in Louisville, I didn't have a place too deeply associate with being Presbyterian. That is until now! I have come back from my two weeks as a small group leader in love with Montreat.

Montreat is a beautiful community nestled within North Carolina's Black Mountains. And for the last two weeks, I have been there helping with two weeks of Montreat's youth conferences. Both weeks I had a group of nearly 30 high schoolers who gathered together for three hours a day to talk about life, keynote addresses, and have fun together. The small group time was more of what I've learned to love in this YAV year: community building, deep conversations, new relationships, and serving God.

The leadership and those who spoke in Keynotes and preached in Worship were the same both weeks. It was powerful to hear each of their messages twice, as I heard different things each time. The Spirit revealed new things to me, encouraging me, and I hopefully encouraged and challenged the youth I worked with. I was told several times that the little things I said in a passing moment or the "hard question" I asked meant a lot. That's all the Spirit. I'm just thankful in that moment I was willing/open to being a vessel.

Before heading to Montreat, I prayed that I would have relationships form that would last. As I've learned over and over again this year, God is good. Not only did I meet several new friends, but two of them will be starting Hebrew with me in September at Columbia Seminary. I met several pastors (most graduates of Columbia) whose stories touched my story. I made new connections, networked a little, and experienced an amazing community. One of my new friends was even suppose to be an intern at PSF this year; it's sad we just met and became friends. And two of my friends from PSF work there, and it's always wonderful to be in their company.

My time at Montreat was a lot of things: exhausting, exciting, passion-filled, a learning experience. . . . It's a place where the concepts of the Biblical church are lived out, where community and God matters. As the President of Montreat says: it's a thin place, where heaven and earth met and you aren't sure which is which.

p.s.-Last weekend, in between my two weeks at Montreat, I flew home to Erie to be presented to the Presbytery of Lake Erie as an Inquirer candidate. Following a brief introduction, answering a few questions, a vote was taken and I am an official Inquirer for Ordination of the Word and Sacrament. Five months ago, I never would have thought this to be the path I would take. But God is good. Thanks for your prayers as I continue to discern God's path.

quick update

2010-06-03T14:18:00.005-05:00

Why hello, hot and humid month of June!

Hard to believe there are only two months left of my eleven month YAV commitment. I'm excited to move onto the next chapter of my life (minus driving in Atlanta and taking Hebrew), but am sad to think that my time in Nashville is almost up. Luckily, my list of things to do and see in Nashvegas only has about six things left, which is doable in few weeks I have left.

On Saturday, I leave Nashville for two weeks. I'll be serving as a small group leader for the first two weeks of the Montreat Youth Conference. I'm really excited! Small groups, especially leading them, has always been a life-giving activity for me. There's something wonderful about helping others come closer to God in all they do. And the idea of being in the Black Mountains of North Carolina should be pretty great too. Is it silly that part of me wants to see Billy Graham while I'm there? Probably.

In between my two Montreat weeks, I'll be heading to PA for a Lake Erie Presbytery meeting. If all goes well, I should be officially taken under care by the Presbytery and become an Inquirer. This is a huge step, and I'm so thankful that all the people back home have been so willing and flexible to help make this happen for me.

It's crazy to stop and think about everything that has happened this year. I'm so blessed. There have been many blessings and many prayers here in Nashville. I had no idea a year ago what a great name I had picked for this blog.

PSF reflections

2010-05-24T10:55:00.003-05:00

It's pretty quiet here in Vandyland. Graduation was on the 14th, and since then the campus feels deserted. I'm sadder than I thought I would be without the students around. I feel like my purpose for being in Nashville left with them all. They were, after all, the focus of most of my days and the majority of my non-YAV community.

The silence that engulfs the campus though calls me to reflect upon my time with the PSF community. I came in September unsure of what I was doing; not knowing how to build community, and lacking in confidence that I could handle the task at hand. As the year evolved, I discovered that I loved the planning, the execution, and the behind the scenes work that so much of the Vanderbilt PSF work demanded. Being a part of the planning that made "life-changing moments" is pretty incredible. I discovered a passion in authentic conversation (especially with a tea or chai in hand) and the joy of fostering relationships of meaning. I was reminded of my love for proclaiming the Word, my fears of entering hospitals, and how sometimes the most important thing is just to be present with someone as they move through trials. I had my share of failures and anxieties. But I made incredible memories of triumph, and joy, and plenty of new relationships. I helped make two mission trips realities, learned to ask hard questions, and discovered that there is something, indescribably profound in the moments one feels God's presence.

My life has certainly been enriched with the work I did with PSF Nashville. I also miss the busy-ness that was my life; although the time for rest is nice. But there is something to be said for the pace of life on a college/university campus. I still haven't found anywhere else that compares.

traveling home

2010-05-13T16:09:00.002-05:00

On Mother's Day, I flew out of Nashville and arrived in Erie. It was a exciting couple of days in Erie. I surprised both Grandmothers (one much more than the other!) and attended two very important meetings to help start off my time at Columbia Seminary.

The first meeting was a gathering of my home church's Session, for me to discuss why I've decided to go to seminary and pursue ordination. It was a wonderful meeting. . . it felt so good to be home and around people who know more than this year of my story. It was incredibly affirming to share with them all, and to hear their thoughts and feelings when I was done talking.

On Monday I went to the Lake Erie Presbytery office to attend the Committee on Preparation for Ministry meeting. This CPM meeting was the next hoop to jump through in hopes that they would endorse me and then present me to the Presbytery meeting in June. This meeting was also very affirming and very positive. I really enjoyed my time with them all; even if I did do most of the talking!

I left Erie sad on Tuesday morning. It doesn't get easier to leave home, especially not when I've had such a great time with the people who know me. And the idea of being about four more hours away from Erie (Columbia is just outside of Atlanta) for three years makes me sad too. But I also know that I can't deny the notion of being called to Columbia, to seminary, and to ordination. So, I'll venture further away to pursue what I need to. And maybe someday, I'll move closer to Erie and the people who know so much of my story. Until then, I'll keep building community in new places and venturing forth.

flood

2010-05-06T21:01:00.002-05:00

When I asked my parents to ship my work boots down to Music City in March, I never suspected that I would end up using them more in Nashville than in Guatemala. (I actually didn't even take them with me to Guatemala).

The last three days (and again tomorrow) I've headed out into suburbia Nashville to help with flood recovery. It's a mess. Lives have been lost, tangible memories are soggy or destroyed, and my heart aches for all of it.

I've helped a co-worker save pictures from his flooded basement, torn up a hardwood floor at a stranger's house. Today I choked back tears as I helped an 85 year old woman salvage cards and pictures that her husband hadn't even signed before he died three years ago. I ripped out soggy drywall and tossed it into a heaping pile at another house.

Someone asked me today if this is what I ever expected to do during my YAV year. I laughed at the time, and answered that no, this was not on my list of expectations. Now I say no with a lump in my throat as I allow my thoughts and feelings to settle. It certainly has been a year full of the unexpected. And this flood and consequential devastation, as well as recovery work in my own city, was (and continues to be)on the top of my "totally unexpected" list.

I wish I could better articulate what I've been seeing and feeling. I don't know if it is a limited vocabulary or an overwhelming sense of emotion on my part. All I know for certain is that this city that I love is suffering.

focus on the present

2010-04-25T14:45:00.007-05:00

Much of my YAV has been spent looking into the future. I think that's the nature of one year programs, lots of focus into whats coming next. And that's great. I really wouldn't be ready for seminary if it wasn't the vocational discernment and other such "forward looking" experiences I've had through this year.

But this morning at church I was reminded of "old" life lessons. Worship opened with Holy, Holy, Holy. It's a great hymn, one that with a brief look to the next stanza, I can sing from memory. But today, I focused on the words. The words are so familiar that typically my imagination shuts down and the words are simply black letters on a page. The words only occasionally strike me, make me think, cause me to think about anything beyond what's next in the bulletin.

Today, I went back (mentally) to my Confirmation class in 8th grade when Mr. Skinner came into the class and we talked about hymns. Holy, Holy, Holy was one of the ones we discussed. We talked about the saints casting down their crowns and what that meant. I remember saying at that time I that suspected that that reference meant that "the saints" were acknowledging Jesus as Lord and king; and that their earthly positions of glory were nothing in comparison to Jesus.

I thought about my time at FootSteps and "This Little Light of Mine" in reference to the darkness in verse two. I thought about the times of darkness in my life, when I let the darkness slip in and I wallowed there for a while.

In the midst of trying to stay in the present (not the future), I was reminded of a lot of great moments and lessons from my past. All those things and moments and experiences that have shaped me and gotten me to this place so I can look into the future and be comfortable in the present.

staying put

2010-04-21T20:20:00.004-05:00

It's been hard to "stay" in Nashville. In one sense, yes, I'm eager to get some more traveling and exploration in. But mostly it's been hard to stay in Nashville mentally and emotionally. With my Columbia Seminary acceptance letter and scholarship, I've mentally moved on. PSF had it's last worship on Tuesday night, and in two weeks the majority of students will be home for their summers. My role on Vandy's campus will change; my walks won't include seeing the community I've built there. And the general charm about living in community with four other Young Adult Volunteers has worn off. Living out "intentional Christian community" definitely has it's highs and lows.

A year ago when I said that I was ready to be broken and grow in new ways, I never expected all that has come my way. I'm tired--it's not been easy. But there is a lot of it that has been good. Fabulous life experiences: keynoting a youth retreat, leading a Guatemala trip, meeting and working with lots of great PC(USA) pastors, learning how to articulate my own faith and theology, discovering my passion for community building . . . the list goes on. I am confident that if it wasn't for this year of growth and challenges, I would not be so excited to venture off to seminary, nor would I be ready to venture off. It's been a good year, and I mean that. And now, with around three months left, I need to hold onto that mentality and see what else comes my way.

thoughts and ramblings

2010-04-08T14:22:00.006-05:00

Easter is come and gone. I'm back to eating some meat (I gave meat up for Lent). My family is back in PA after a great visit. I got my acceptance letter to Columbia Seminary for the fall, so pending some financial aid, that's where I'll be come September. I'm seriously considering pursuing the Ordination track, which is new for me. Spring has sprung; and for the first time I really get the concept of spring marking Easter's themes of life and death so well--which is hard to do in Erie, when there's typically still snow. We're beginning the end of things on campus. I've got a little less than a month left with the students. I'm leading a class through April on art and spirituality. I'm tired with community living, and craving my own space. I'm sad that I only have about four months left in Nashville. I got about four, maybe five?, inches of my hair cut off. I'm addicted to Goodwill shopping. I'm eating fish/seafood regularly. I'm still terrible at returning phone calls and personal emails. I've been to the Nashville zoo with Sarah, experienced Chipotle with Kayla, and am planning for a few more visitors before this YAV experience is over. I'm trying to squeeze a trip to visit the Denver YAVs and the Compassion Buddha Retreat House before I no longer have friends out there. I can't believe I was in Guatemala a month ago. I've learned how important it is to know people's stories before you judge or assume that you understand who they are. I've learned that sharing my own story with people isn't as scary as I've always thought. I've been learning a lot--somethings have changed and somethings never will. Welcome to my year full of growth. Welcome to my year of service for a lifetime of change. Welcome to my life.

privileged shiftings

2010-03-29T11:55:00.003-05:00

I've been fighting the urge to not share these thoughts. They are hard to articulate, difficult to understand, full of different layers and issues, and maybe even a little embarrassing. But, as is with most things I don't want to address, it won't go away. I apologize now if this is a lot to read. I apparently have a lot I need to say.

I've talked about this with several people, journal-ed, reflected, prayed, and cried. For a while, I could not even articulate what was wrong. It was simply a feeling that something wasn't right; that something had internally shifted and wasn't the same.

From time to time, things like that are easy for me to ignore. I stay busy. I avoid sharing my more personal thoughts with people. I still live and serve, but I don't always process what I've experienced; I've found that it's just easier that way. When you can't explain yourself eloquently, don't waste someone else's time. If you are going to cry for apparently no reason at all, just don't go there. Keep it all nice and neat. Don't show your brokenness, don't let your shit hit the fan. It's easier that way.

I've lived with that mind set for most of my life. Yes, occasionally the Spirit or just pure exhaustion (or both) would overwhelm me, and I would break, letting down my guard temporarily. But then I would apologize, and quickly rebuild my wall. That's been the cycle for as long as I can remember.

And then Gramps' got sick and died. Now, I recognize that I attribute a lot of my growth this year to his death. But that's my reality. My Gramps' suffering and death has marked an unexpected change in me. I still hurt over it; most days I'm still angry. And I couldn't hide that. I shouldn't hide that. I can't hide that.

I still get heartsick when I see the painted clouds on the ceiling at Downtown Pres and think that there should be stars. I see a butterfly and I choke. The sunsets, the stars, rainbows, a certain kind of hat. . . all pull me back to the pain I hold. The pain of not being there, the pain of being away from home when they needed me, and when I needed them. Even now, my eyes are full of tears.

I never expected this to happen this year. I never expected to lose Gramps, to have that as my constant struggle for this year of service. I expected struggles financially (you can only get so far with a few hundred dollars a month), community struggles, works struggles. . . all of which have only been compounded by this death.

I was expecting Guatemala to cause me to see poverty in a new light, instead, I've seen life and death differently. I've begun to see my life of privilege. I've always thought that people who had more than I did were the privileged ones. The nicer cars, the bigger houses, the better clothes. But Guatemala brought to mind my Malawi trip, which brought to my heart that sense of discomfort I described at the beginning of this post. And now, three weeks after being back in the States, I get it. I am privileged. By my experiences, my education, the communities that support me, the gifts I have, the love I share. I am privileged. Even as a middle class, white female, I am privileged. I am privileged to be serving this year in Nashville, to be discovering new passions, to be making new friends and connections, with the support and blessing of those who matter most to me. I am privileged to be growing and changing, to be experiencing God through new ways and through my own gifts. And I'm privileged, as hard as it is to say, to be able to say that I'm broken, that I'm angry, that I still miss my Gramps terribly. And I'm privileged to say that pain associated with losing Gramps has been the threshold for all this other growth and maturing that so many are saying they see in me and I'm starting to feel via that shifting. I am so privileged.

lists and loves

2010-03-24T15:31:00.003-05:00

I have a list I've been carrying around with me lately. It's not a to do list, so to say, instead I'm calling it my "one bite at a time" list. The nine items on the list are things I need to have done by a specific date: books to read, devotionals to write, scholarship essays, and a sermon.

That said sermon is now crossed off, as I preached it last night. I had prepared the liturgy (another crossed off list item) and was ready to serve God with my words. . . whatever words came out. And I loved it. Really, truly, loved it. I preached on a text I read in my God, Moses, and Torah class two springs ago that really spoke to me. The text was Exodus 18.13-26, where Moses gets his ideas realigned on how to serve his community.

I loved getting into the text, reading it with new eyes. I loved how the creative energies flowed as I thought about the text and the lessons I saw there. I loved getting up and sharing that inspired knowledge, speaking loudly and boldly; praying the entire time that one word, one sentence would allow the Spirit to move in someone in a new way.

And I loved that so many from my larger Nashville community were there. It was great to have the PSF regulars there, don't get me wrong. But it really meant a lot to have my housemates and YAV community members, friends from Downtown Pres and 2nd Pres there too. Earlier yesterday morning, I shared with someone that it was going to be hard to preach without my family there. She asked what difference my family would make, and I told her that I've always known that even if I totally flopped and failed, my parents, sisters, and grandparents would have told me that I did a fabulous job. They would have smiled, hugged, and supported me through it all. Even without my family there though, people who love me were there and they smiled, hugged, and supported me. Yes, I still missed my family terribly; but that hole they would have filled wasn't entirely empty due to the wonderful people I have in my life here. I'm so blessed.

Before I put together this "one bite at a time" list, I had forgotten how much I enjoy reading, writing, and proclaiming how God works in and through my life. It was exciting to be affirmed by the gathered community last night, but there was also a deep sense of affirmation in me. The kind of affirmation that can only come, I've found, when I stumble upon a portion of God's plan for my life.

Monday Conversation

2010-03-22T14:23:00.006-05:00

Mondays are usually my favorite day of the week. Mondays in my life with PSF have a set structure: I have a meeting at 10am, lunch with students at 12, and then some "free" time to study, catch up with students, before staff meeting and house night. Today was extra special though.

Last night PSF hosted the homeless ministry of Room In the Inn (RITI). RITI partners with different churches to provide warm meals and a warm place to sleep. Tweleve men spent the night last night with several PSF students and myself at St. Augustine's, the chapel on campus. I really love the interactions with the men--they are jovial, friendly, and are always ready to exchange a little sarcasm/BS with me, which is another one of those Olson family qualities that I possess.

The only real negative that RITI has is that I don't get to enjoy much sleep on the nights PSF hosts it. We went to bed around 10:30pm to wake up around 4:15am to start breakfast. After the kitchen was cleaned, and all my belongings packed up, it was only 6:40. I didn't have another commitment until noon. Now, I certainly could have spent the time working on my sermon for tomorrow night's worship, but that wasn't my immediate thought. Instead, I offered two of the students who had spent the night (and both journeyed to Guatemala) some coffee at Starbucks and some conversation. They indulged me.

What I expected to be an hour long, light conversation ended up being about three hours of a deep and wide conversation. It started with me asking some questions, as Jennifer has shown me, and before I knew it we were in the midst of a conversation about values, morals, personal beliefs, faith, and life. We talked about what we learned in Guatemala, about being vulnerable in a community, about simple living and shared a lot about the issues of life in America and how sometimes those issues cause us to be more gray than black-and-white.

This conversation in and of itself was an enriching experience. It brought a smile to my face as I reflected on a conversation I had last week, when someone asked me if I have an agenda when I met with students over coffee. I was somewhat shocked at that suggestion, and responded saying: "No, I do not enter into a conversation with an agenda. It's the student's space and time and we talk about whatever they need or want to." And that's exactly what happened this morning. Had I had an agenda, I don't know that I would have asked the questions I did. . . questions that brought up issues that the majority of the time I don't even know where I stand. But this morning, early this morning, two students and I gave each other the space and freedom to say whatever needed to be said in a space with no agenda and certainly no pressure to have an answer.

trip reflections

2010-03-20T09:52:00.003-05:00

I'm struggling to believe that just a week ago, I was still in Guatemala. It feels like I've been back in the States and at my regular routine for much longer than a week.

The PSF trip to Santiago Atitlan, Guatemala was a great trip. There were four staff and eleven students who ventured down to work on a hospital that was destroyed in the fall of 2005. When we got to the hospital, we discovered that our tasks would be digging two 15ft. deep holes and moving lots of buckets full of rocks, sand, and gravel. I spent a lot of my time dumping the buckets near two large water silos on the back part of the hospital property. It was a nice job to have (minus climbing up half the hill on every trip) because it gave me a lot of time for reflective thinking.

When we weren't working, we were spending time around Lake Atitlan, in different market and church settings, spending time in conversation, or experiencing Mayan culture. We saw several Catholic cathedrals, visited a school for students with disabilities, saw a local Mayan god, experienced a ride in the back of a pick-up truck, rode across the lake, and heard many people's stories. It was a very enriching experience, one of the best mission & cultural trips I've ever been on.

It's my prayer that seeds of change have been planted in all of us that traveled together. For me, this trip reminded me of how easy it is to share part of my life story with someone--even if I never learn if/how it touched their lives. One of the most powerful moments on this trip for me, was when the director of the school for students with disabilities shared her story for why she worked so hard to open the school. She shared with us, a group of total strangers who couldn't share even the same language with her, about her daughter who was born with water on the brain. Having a dear friend who was born with the same condition, really hit home for me. But beyond that, it was how vulnerable this school director was, to share her story with us. To let us into that deep part of who she is and how she feels called. In my own life, I tend to not share those deep, more intimate parts of myself. Her story was compelling to not be so fearful to share about myself. Who knows, part of my story may be exactly what someone else needs to hear.

This trip also reminded me of the many lessons I learned in Malawi, and how quickly I forgot about all of those. I wish I didn't always require trips out of the States to remember the importance of water, food, necessities, livelihood, etc. But I'm so thankful for all the opportunities I've had to be reminded of how blessed I am.

March!

2010-03-04T17:26:00.004-06:00

It's hard for me to believe that it's all ready March. I leave tomorrow afternoon for the PSF spring break trip to Guatemala. I've been eagerly awaiting this trip and now it's here!!! I'm a little nervous, a little overwhelmed, but really excited. There will be 11 students and four staff members on the trip and we will be gone for a week. We hope to work on completing a hospital which was destroyed in 2005 by Hurricane Stan. We don't know exactly what we'll be doing, but the trip promises to be fantastic.

My sister Kayla is currently in Guatemala, about six miles from where we'll be, and from her few messages, she's having an incredible time and promises that I will have the same experience.

Here's the volcano that separates where Kayla was and where I'll be:

If you are interested, I've listed a few websites that you can look at, to learn more about where we're going and what we hope to doing. Your prayers for a safe and life changing trip would be a blessing to us all.

Hospitalito Atitlan, where we'll be working
CEDEPCA, the agency we're going with

Faith Story

2010-02-25T17:30:00.001-06:00

**I've been working on this post for a month now. For whatever reason, I couldn't find the words to convey what I had experienced or how to process it all. But I think I've finally figured out how to share this experience with you.**

Each year, PSF worship is thematic. This year the theme is: Stories We Live By. Jennifer's sermons have all been based on Biblical stories, and each worship a student or PSF community member has shared part of their faith story. For whatever reason, I agreed to tell my story on January 19th, the first worship of the spring semester.

While I knew the date for my story for a decent amount of time, I didn't really prepare for it. I wasn't sure what story to share, how personal and deep to get, or even what could be of interest in my life to the students gathered. Sure, I've had lots of incredible life experiences, overcome my share of personal, family, and life challenges, and wrestled with faith, forming opinions, what to do with my gifts and talents, etc. But I still wasn't sure what to share. Even an hour before worship, I hadn't given much thought to what I would share. Instead I busied myself with preparing for worship and greeting students I hadn't seen in a few weeks. As worship began, I prayed that Jennifer's sermon would be spirit filled and reveal to me that which God wanted the gathered community to hear from my heart and life.

What I heard in her sermon was trusting in God to use us in the ways and means God saw fit. To serve with and through love. To not let our shortcomings prevent us from serving the God who has foolishly loved and saved generations of sinful and broken people. And, as with all good things, God revealed the story I needed to share.

When it was the time for my story, I nervously stood and opened my mouth to whatever needed to come out. I told about the first time I truly trusted in God. I told the story of my rector weekend on FootSteps 41 (a Christian high school weekend retreat that I lead in March 2005). I told of the struggles with the adult board, the questioning of my being worthy to lead, the responsibility that fell on my shoulders. I told of preparing a worship service, of earnest prayers to be a vessel that God flowed through. And I told, with fear and trembling, how I stood in the middle of 50 of my high school peers and silently argued with God--and how God "won" that argument, which meant that I genuinely let God flow through me. And that movement of God through me meant that I began to sing, out loud, "This Little Light of Mine." I closed my story by saying that it was that song filled moment that serves as the foundation of my faith, of the Christian service I continue to find myself doing (and can't get away from), and the truth of loving others in and through my own brokenness and shortcomings.

Sharing my story reminded me of how much I enjoy public speaking, of sharing my faith and life with others, and how incredible it is when I step aside and allow God to move in and through me. In my eagerness to discover what my next steps are to be, I think I should remember this story and sharing it at PSF to remind me that sometimes I have to be vulnerable and willing to have God's greatness pour through me.

Busy With Growth

2010-02-25T17:00:00.006-06:00

More often than not, I experience something or someone and think: I need to blog about this. The problem is that 1. I'm not near a computer to immediately blog, or 2. I just don't take the time. It's the later that seems to be causing a lot of my "issues."

I'm just so busy trying to embrace all that I can during this year. In the last two weeks, I've had breakfast with a Presbyterian pastor who is also a Benedictine Nun who runs an intentional community in Wisconsin (something I yearn to do next summer), experienced the fabulous and Nashville famous Pancake Pantry, Hillsboro Village, Islamic Cultural Center, and the Farmer's Market. I've had coffee and great conversations with students, planned and lead an Ash Wednesday service, spent the night on campus helping with Room In the Inn (a non profit that works with the homeless), finalized the Guatemala trip details, and taught several InterFaith classes. I'm working on creating an Arts and Spirituality class, am part of a keynoting team for a youth conference in April, all while trying to take time to listen for the movement and guidance of God in what comes next.

It's been fulfilling, exhausting, overwhelming and incredibly joy-filled all at once. I'm working to pull back the layers of my life; slowly excepting that I don't have it all figured out. I am broken and sinful, full of messy stuff that God, for whatever reason, has decided is worth redeeming and glorifying. That's probably been the most exciting part of my personal growth these last few weeks: that once I declare (and really accepted) myself to be broken, there was an ease and a lightness in the path ahead. This new freedom keeps reminding me of what I heard at the Montreat College Conference: "It's a long way to the realm of God when you have to haul your crap with you."

I feel like I keep telling people that I'm loving my experience, have grown a lot, and am trying hard to listen for the gentle whisper or meaningful interaction that so often reveals God in my life. There is something unique and exciting about this year I've taken. . . a year some would say that I "took off" from the real world. But the thought that keeps coming back to me is this: Aren't these messy truths what the real world is all about? That's what Muhammad, a homeless man I spent some of my Room in the Inn time with, was saying: "Girl, wherever your journey takes you, remember that it ain't always pretty, but at least you're moving. So enjoy the ride and go great places."

That's the plan after all, to keep moving and discovering new things about this ministry, the people I'm around, the world, and myself.

The Downtown Church

2010-02-09T13:20:00.005-06:00

I've been super blessed with all the opportunities and people I have met during my six months here in Nashville. And while the following link doesn't directly connect to my time here, I wanted to share it. Patty Griffith, a country singer, recorded her latest album in the sanctuary of Downtown Pres, the church I attend. It's an incredible album, and this youtube video not only highlights the song, but also shows you a lot of the church. The opening seconds, of the empty pews, shows you were I sit almost every week. It's a beautiful song, with beautiful lyrics that speak if you chose to listen with an open heart. I hope you open your heart to this song and really enjoy it. blessings.

Honor Life

2010-02-06T16:56:00.002-06:00

My housemate, Diana, is serving her YAV year at a grass roots nonprofit. The agency is called Tennesseans for Alternatives to the Death Penalty (TADP). Today was the 4th annual student conference, in which she played a significant role in putting it all together. All of the Cabana girls decided it was important to support her in this role, so we all ventured to Middle Tennessee State University (about a 35 minute drive) this morning.

I went not knowing what to expect of the conference's information or my own feelings. I see a lot of the world in gray, not really having a strong pull to one side of an issue or the other. But the stories I heard and the information I learned hasn't yet settled within me.

I learned that although Lady Justice is suppose to be blindfolded, she seems to be able to see economic status, race, and geographical location. I heard testimonies of victim's family members who shared that they sought revenge whole heartily until they realized (through and for whatever reasons) that forgiveness was a better choice. I saw anguish, compassion, frustration, and a whole slew of emotions. I heard a man who had been on "the row" for 20+ years, and was the first exonerated man in the state of Tennessee. I heard the death penalty and abortion compared as equal murders.

Through it all, my thought was: "Yes, right now I choose life. . . but if it was my sister/mother/father etc. who was murdered? Could/would I still feel that way?" I don't have an answer. Yes, I agree that it is not a good system legally, and it is not my position, morally, to take a life in any means. And while I know I've set my stake in the camp that honors life, the camp that chooses mercy over vengeance, I still can't stop churning this issue over in my heart--thinking of all the people who had to pick a side of this issue for a reason much different than a morning student conference.

YAV retreat

2010-02-04T21:06:00.004-06:00

It's been nearly a week since the YAVs from Atlanta and Cincinnati joined those of us in Nashville for a weekend retreat to focus on listening to God. I wasn't exactly thrilled about heading away for the weekend, for whatever reason. But after venturing through the snow storm, and safely getting to Deer Run Camp, I was glad to be there.

The camp was beautiful. We stayed in new log cabins, the snow was glistening (when it wasn't pelting us in the face) and we shared in a lot of joyful conversation. On Friday, we did an activity called "Praying in Color." I took markers, crayons, and paper and spent two silent hours coloring my thoughts and prayers. I wrote the names of mentors and pastors who have shaped my life. I wrote the initials of all my immediate family members. I wrote things I love, things I appreciate about my life, the questions I have for God. There were bubbles with the words in them, surrounded by different colors. It was a tangled, beautiful, maze of prayers and art. I was exhausted afterwords, and spent most of the evening resting.

On Saturday, we did another art activity that pertained to our dreams. We searched through magazines to find the pictures of our deepest desires. There were particular pictures I was looking for: a husband and wife, a cute cottage, maybe something that pertained to the ministry. Instead I pasted down a picture of a woman surrounded by people who she loved and was loved by. I glued down a lot about Africa, a story about how a girl who ventured away from home yet always comes back and helps to make chocolate cake. I did find a great picture of a comfy cottage, travel pictures, and other things I kind of expected to find. It was a beautiful prayer and a glorious expression of how God's plan is revealed in unique and glorious ways.

I also shared in deep listening activities--a fabulous Spirit filled exchange. I was partnered with one of my housemates and a YAV from Cinci. We talked about being away from home and not being able to help those we love. We talked about feeling God's presence, meaningful worship, personal seminary debates.

When we finally left Deer Run on Sunday, I realized that I have no answers for what is coming next in my life. But there is no door that has been closed; no option that I couldn't take advantage of. Most of my artistic prayers consisted of ideas and concepts that I hadn't ever thought possible for my life (i.e.- Malawi trip; YAV year; my love of public speaking and where it could take me, etc.). Therefore I need to spend more time and energy listening for and to God. And I might just go get my crayons again. . . .

Four Pastors, One Day

2010-01-28T21:43:00.004-06:00

Today I had four fabulous conversations with four fabulous PC(USA) pastors. My weekly meeting with Jennifer was insightful and thought provoking. . . as always. Whenever we sit and talk, I find myself talking about things that are important in my life that I've either not thought about before nor realized about myself. I "name" a lot of the issues I have within myself and strive to work on them. My conversations with her are the thresholds of a lot of my growth as a person.

My next pastoral conversation was with Ken. We shared terrible meatloaf at a meat and three downtown. Our conversation was different than the one I had with Jennifer, naturally. We talked about our struggles in ministry, what ministry can (and maybe should) look like. I listened to him talk about the challenges in ministry and heard him say that ministry is messy with an exhausted sigh. And yet there was a passion in his eyes, a spark that clearly comes from the challenges he faces and the love he shares with people. It was a spark and a passion that resonated within my own heart; it's a spark and passion that I hope to emulate in whatever God calls me to.

Next, I ventured around a PC(USA) conference and ran into Ellie Johns. Ellie is a pastor that shaped my youth and is from Erie as well. She's been a constant in pushing me to see a broader spectrum in the church and in the people of the church. She always introduces me to new people, new ideas, and compels me to consider new aspects of myself.

The last pastor of the day was my mentor from Westminster, Dr. [Mrs.] Cushman. She was in Nashville for the same conference Ellie was. It was so wonderful to spend time with her. I spent so many hours in her office in college, seeking her wisdom, her insight, and her compassionate spirit as I struggled through the issues of my college years. Today, we talked about the work I am doing, how I am finally taking care of myself and my needs, and about what the future holds. Dr. Cushman played a significant role in my discernment to become a YAV; and it was affirming to hear her say that she could tell this was the right decision for me. I continue to be grateful for her insight, and her hugs.

All three of my worlds collided today: Erie, Westminster, and YAV/Nashville through four wonderful conversations with four wonderful pastors. I'm feeling excited about these conversations, the growth I sense within myself and the growth that was affirmed in several different ways, and what possibilities lie ahead of me. Only God knows why I had these four conversations all in one day. Who knows, maybe I will join the ranks of these great pastors!?!

Rebuilt Ruins

2010-01-26T11:47:00.004-06:00

I've been feeling pretty worn down lately. I don't know what the root cause has been. Sometimes I think I'm still grieving the loss of my Gramps, maybe it's partial homesickness, being sick, and as usual, my innate inability to say no to things. It could be any or all of these factors. What I do know is that I've been struggling to stay focused and positive.

I'm also feeling tested in many ways: my physical health, financially, how to respond to the need that surrounds me in so many different forms, and even how to trust in the future that I know is out there but I don't know where it leads.

I've been reading my daily devotional, my daily Bible verse calendar, attending meaningful worships, sharing my feelings over coffee without much avail. Nothing was really calming the raging internal storm; there was no peace to all the friction I was feeling. That was until a few minutes ago.

I agreed to help Ken, the pastor at Downtown, plan and lead the Ash Wednesday service. He asked me to read the lectionary readings for that day so when we have lunch on Thursday we could talk about the direction for the service. I read the first reading without much interest and started in on the second reading in a similar fashion. But about eight verses in, the words started connecting with my spirit. I finished the reading and started reading it all again. The words suddenly became a balm to my weary and worn spirit.

I encourage you to read Isaiah 58 and see what truths God reveals to you. For, "if you remove the yoke from among you, the pointing of the finger, the speaking of evil, if you offer your food to the hungry and satisfy the needs of the afflicted, then your light shall rise in the darkness and your gloom be like the noonday. . . . Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in." Amen.

Where's Bethany?

2010-01-10T13:54:00.001-06:00

That was the bolded title of the paragraph that told the members of Downtown Pres where I've been. That was the question my sister Kayla asked in regards to my blog. It’s been a popular question these last few days and weeks, and I’m finally settled long enough to answer.

I headed home to PA on December 19th, the day of that frightful snow storm that plagued most of the East coast. Thankfully, I was able to get into Erie without any delay or issue. Christmas was better than I had expected and my week and a few days with family was gone before I had time to really settle in.

On December 30th, I headed back down South with my good friend and former NEP YAV, Katie Mohr. It was great to catch up with her. Once I got to Nashville, the whirlwind began. I went to a birthday party, ate at Rose Pepper, attended the Guitar Drop on the 31st, and spent New Year’s Day with Katie and new friends Megan and Wes, to get pedicures, watch movies, and other important self-care things. Then it was time to pack up (again) and head out for a week of PSF/Vanderbilt activities.

Saturday the 2nd was the day I headed to my first experience in Montreat, NC. Montreat is a conference center run by the PC(USA). It was a beautiful place, with a glorious lake, grand stone buildings, and about 800 college students. I've heard for a long time that the PC(USA) is a small world, with people knowing about each other. I found this to be the truth as I ran into people from the Summer Youth Institute, a friend from Columbia Seminary, and met plenty of people who knew people I knew. The sermons, lessons, keynotes, and general conversations were enlightening and inspiring. Texts that I’ve been struggling to understand (i.e. - Matthew 15.21-28), suddenly made sense, and I found myself explaining the interpretation to the students I was with. My two workshops on being a YAV, and the process of how to become one went nicely. I enjoyed coffee and great conversation with Ellie Johns and the five other SYI alums that were there. And the late night discussion with our group about interfaith dialogue, and God was deep and wide; much like the conference itself. My favorite part was my phone conversation with my Gram, around the partially frozen Lake Susan with the two white swans swimming nearby—truly a time filled with God’s presence.

Jennifer, a freshman student, and I then ventured to Winterplace, West Virginia a ski resort for a three day ski trip. We met up with the students and PSF from Middle Tennessee State University (MTSU). Although it wasn’t quiet what I had expected, I enjoyed getting to know the MTSU students, reading, and walking in the glistening snow (I chose not to ski). We left Winterplace and headed back to the Montreat region, spending the night at Jennifer’s parents house. On Saturday, we stopped at a J.Crew outlet, and had a great drive through Eastern Tennessee. I got home around 6 (back in Central time) to finally live out of a closet instead of a suitcase.

Today, although slightly cold, is a beautiful day in Nashville. The sun is shining and church was fulfilling. It was great to be back in this community, to be greeted with open arms and smiling faces. I’ve all ready had several offers to share coffee, engage in more church responsibilities, and to build more relationships. With the Vanderbilt school year resuming soon, I’m excited to see what this semester will hold. I will be sharing part of my life story on January 19th, to go along with the PSF theme: Stories We Live By. Our Guatemala trip is coming together well, as we fund raise together and begin to learn about that culture and peoples. It’s an exciting new time in my life and ministry . . . as I hope you can tell.

relation to God

2009-12-17T21:11:00.003-06:00

On my way to work today, I made eye contact with an apparent homeless man who was crossing the street. I smiled at him, and wondered where he was headed. I noticed, via my side mirror, that he put his bag down at the bus stop and then pulled out a cardboard sign. He then walked up and down the sidewalk, carrying his sign with him. I never actually saw his sign, but I'm sure I can guess what it said. It was probably something about being homeless, something about needing a ride or food, or even how he is a veteran.

When the light turned green, I drove on. I carried his face and apparent situation with me as I traveled through downtown Nashville, seeing other homeless people wandering around. I saw empty cans, plastic bags, and even a sleeping bag under a bridge I passed.

I've blogged before about how I've noticed the homeless community around me. How I pray for open eyes to see the need. But today it meant more and was heavier on my heart than before.

I didn't know what to do. So I stuck with routine. I opened my emails to find that Ken, my pastor here in Nashville, had sent out an email. It was a link to a news clip that aired last night about giving food to the homeless, highlighting Downtown's Wednesday lunch program. In the news clip, Ken said something that spoke right to my heart:

Wherever I am, if I am close to God, God will help me see the need of those around me.

I don't know how close (or far) I am from God most days. I know that I could be a lot closer, I could focus much more energy on my relationship with God, and that I have a lot of love to share that I don't. But there's something deep about Ken's quote, something that I've been trying to process all day long. Is that what it feels/looks like to be in relationship with God: to see the needs that surround you and act out of love to make the world better? Suddenly, I feel like that could be a very real answer to a very important question.

Advent Reality

2009-12-15T15:43:00.004-06:00

It's been a hard day for me. A friend, the first friend I made at Vanderbilt, had a stroke yesterday. He is a young, healthy, law student, with a lot of ambition and potential. My heart is breaking for him and his family as they deal with all of this with Christmas so quickly approaching. My aunt had hip replacement surgery today too; which means Olson Christmas will be different. And of course Janson Christmas will be very different too. And it's final season on campus. You can feel the tension in the air.

Until today, I was feeling very relaxed and comfortable. Life was good, my big tasks and hurdles were completed a few days ago. I felt good about how everything came about: Sunday school, Alternative Gift Fair, the PSF Advent party, the Campus Wide Advent service. I was hopeful and expectant, as Advent challenges us to be. I was relishing in the sun & warm weather, embracing the many possibilities for my life post my YAV year, and enjoying spending time with the community I've established here.

In a matter of a few hours, it's become so much more complicated and uncomfortable. I know that joy and sorrow, calm and chaos are all to be expected in life. It still is crappy when life gets all shook up again though. So, I get by through praying for comfort and peace; healing and renewal of spirits; for hope to bless us all in the moments of hopelessness. That's the reality of Advent: finding a reason to be hopeful and expectant in a world and time when it's so hard to do that.

PSF Devo

2009-12-14T16:10:00.000-06:00

This is the devotion that I wrote for the weekly email Presbyterian Student Fellowship sends out each Monday. I hope it moves you and causes you to think of the life changing moments you have each day. Blessings!

Sunday night was my first Christmas pageant experience. It was quite an experience: costumes, props, singing, joking, and a for-real videographer. I went with some of my housemates to Second Presbyterian’s “The Backwards Christmas Pageant.” I didn’t understand the title until the play started and the wise people appeared first. Then it dawned on me: backwards means the story is going to go backwards.

As the pageant continued, the story got closer to Jesus. The wise people came and went; the shepherds disappeared before the audience knew where they had fled to (the manager), and the sheep continued to wander through the sanctuary. Near the end of the pageant, Mary and Joseph were talking about what it meant to welcome Jesus into their lives. Joseph was questioning how Mary felt about it all—especially the part with the angel telling her she was to have God’s son, when she simply replied: “There are moments that change everything, and this was one of them.” Later in the pageant, as the gathered characters stood over the manger, adoring the babe, the narrator kept saying: “This will change everything.”

We’ve all had those moments, the moments in our own lives that change everything: the moments of new life, death, moving away from home, trips to distant lands, deep conversations, etc. Beyond those moments, there was a babe born in a manger who changed everything. His life was a million moments that changed everything—from the angel that proclaimed his birth, to the miracles, to a painful death on a cross, to a glorious resurrection. Every moment about his life changed everything we know. All of his moments make our life changing moments mean something much more.

While this Advent season is full of finals and heading home for the holidays, remember that each and every moment you have in your life has the power and the ability to change things, just as all of Christ’s moments have changed everything.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people.

To all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God. John 1. 1-4; 12-13

Advent adoration

2009-12-07T22:56:00.006-06:00

It's 10:56pm Central time, and I just got home from work. Granted I went in at 2pm this afternoon, so I did put in my 8 hours. But I got home so late tonight because of the Campus Wide Advent service. Jennifer and I put the worship service together, and then other other campus ministers did readings and had students from their fellowship groups share stories based on the liturgy. We used a liturgy that focused on some of the signs of Advent: the cedar branch which is a sign of majesty, holly and ivy as signs of pain and love, the evergreen wreath as a sign of life and peace, and finally the Christmas tree, a sign of light in darkness.

It was a beautiful service. . . ending in carols and candle light. And as I stood there, singing, "O Come, All Ye Faithful" with my lit candle, I was struck by how the Spirit was moving through St. Augustine's chapel. Even though I did help plan the service, and therefore am a bit bias, I think it might be the most moving Advent service I have been to.

I was also struck with what it means to 'adore' Christ. When I think of the word 'adore,' I immediately think of a cute baby that someone is cooing over; chubby checks to squeeze, and bright open eyes that are trying to take in and make sense of the whole world. Is that what Jesus was like in the manager. . . trying to take in the whole world with his mother cooing over his head? Or was he all ready aware at that point of his role in the world, that he would in fact take in the whole world with his love?

What does it look like for me to adore him now? How do I go about adoring Christ? There is so much in this world that is not adorable, how do I move beyond that? How do I come before Christ and adore him?

I've just decided that that question is going to be my Advent prayer; that in this time of expectant waiting and hoping, that I would find out what it means/looks like to come to Christ the Lord and adore him.

strenghts and weaknesses

2009-12-05T11:57:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, as is usual for the Nashville YAV community, we gathered for our time of vocational discernment. This week we talked about the book we read: "Community and Growth." It was a good book, a little long, but a good read on all aspects of Christian community. While discussing one of the chapters, Liz shared a thought that has been on my mind ever since. Liz shared that: "I came into this year thinking I would be working on my strengths, instead I've been working on all my weaknesses."

The same thing has been true in my life. I've been working on all the things that challenge me: saying 'no,' trying to find balance, passing judgment, speaking up for what I believe in. . . this list could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.

The YAV motto is: A year of service for a lifetime of change. While I'm sure I've made some change through PSF or maybe even Downtown Pres, I'm realizing now that a lot of change is happening within me, in how I view the world, and in the life I'm now living. Working on my weaknesses is hard, but it will certainly create a change in me.

lists

2009-12-03T23:30:00.001-06:00

December 1st marked the beginning of my fourth month in Nashville. And in the day to day hustle and bustle, so much happens. And while some thoughts and sights are profound, or interesting, or challenging, this blog entry is simply going to be a list of some of the ways I've spent the last three months.

At Vanderbilt, with the Presbyterian Student Fellowship, I:
-take students out for coffee and conversation
-help to physically prepare our worship space each Tuesday night
-participate in Tuesday night worship
-send emails, hand-written cards, text messages, facebook posts to students, graduate students, Jennifer, and other campus ministers. Occasionally family and friends get them too. :)
-have lunch in the First Year cafeteria each Monday
-attend the graduate Theology on Tap program each Thursday night
-go to the mission events, monthly Council meetings(imagine a college session meeting), and have even gone to a Board meeting
-go grocery shopping for the ministry events, and occasionally cook the food
-have gone white water rafting, to Memphis for fall break, and am planning/helping to organize the Montreat College Conference trip, the Ski trip, and the spring break trip to Guatemala
-participate in a Bible Study and led a four week discussion group on discernment and call

In Nashville I:
-have played in the Bicentennial Mall fountains
-hiked at Radnor Lake
-have enjoyed the green ways at Shelby Bottoms
-used the airport four times in three months
-enjoyed the ArtCrawl downtown
-have learned (slowly) the highway and road systems

For the Nashville Epiphany Project (my host agency, so to speak) I:
-attend Friday morning sessions with the seven other YAVs and Susan to talk about life, discernment, discuss books we've been reading, and listening to other people tell their discernment stories
-live with four of the YAVs in an 1,100sq. ft. house in East Nashville
-have intentional community time each Monday night
-attend church at Downtown Presbyterian Church
-meet with Janet, a career counselor and an ordained PC(USA) pastor
-meet with Susan to "check in" about how I'm doing

At Downtown Pres I:
-worship
-will be teaching Sunday school on my trip to Malawi, and how that influenced me to become a YAV
-serve lunch and breakfast to the homeless people who gather on Wednesday afternoons and Sunday mornings
-work with Habitat for Humanity
-visit with new found friends
-serve at their annual 'Waffle Shop' fundraiser (imagine an entire church fellowship hall filled with the smell of waffles, grits, sausage, and coffee.)
-have breakfast and share stories and laughs, and occasionally tears with the pastor, Ken
-am slowly embracing the community there that is embracing me

In my own life and faith life I:
-was worried and in constant prayer for my Gramps and Gram through the whole cancer struggle, and cried each time something happened that I couldn't be present in PA for
-continue to mourn Gramps' loss, while trying to rejoice in the promise of the Church Triumphant
-question often what my call in life is
-wonder what God wants me to do next year
-try to imagine living in Nashville long term or moving to a new place
-struggle to stay in contact with people from Westminster and Erie
-struggle to keep healthy life boundaries

As I hope you can tell I'm loving this city, the people I work, live, and fellowship with, the work I'm doing, and the growth I know is transpiring by constantly putting myself out there and processing all the changes that have happened.

But then there is the whole being away from family and friends as exciting and difficult things happen. There is the self-imposed urgency on what my next step in life will be. And then the Advent/Christmas chaos is also settling in. It's safe to say that I'm not entirely emotionally stable with all that's going on. But I've been thinking and processing, reflecting and talking about all that's going on, which is constantly proving to be helpful. A lot has happened in three months; and in the months to follow there is going to be much more . . . and I can only imagine what that list is going to look like.

smile in my eyes

2009-11-17T13:30:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was one of those busy, glorious kinds of days.

I had tasks, emails, coffee dates with students, house community time and fabulous conversations all around. I had happy thoughts about my family, embraced having too much to do (but found the time to do most of it) and pushed myself to be positive and energy filled even at the close of the day.

Sometimes I surprise myself when I mentally challenge myself to be excited and positive. I can pull it off. . . most of the time. I harness an energy from deep within and go with it. I can feel my smile in my eyes. And the more I smile in my eyes, the more I'm feeling it deep in my heart. True, my heart is still hurting, and my body and mind are still tired and worn down.

But, I'm making it. And I'm growing into a spiritually richer person who is working at finding joy in the little things. Little things like heart-warming coffee conversations, sunny November days, and breakfast dates with new found friends. Can you see the smile in my eyes?

signs for comfort

2009-11-12T13:25:00.005-06:00

This is my 30th post. 30 is my favorite number, mostly because of my birthday. But my second favorite number is 3. I like 3 because it's the 30 without a zero. But I love 3 because it reminds me that I'm #3 in the Janson family granddaughters. And this weekend, while in Erie for Gramps' services, I have never been more proud to be called by number.

We had over 50 family members come in, saw about 400 people in the four hours of his viewing, and then had a beautiful tribute to his life on Sunday. My heart is still heavy with his "passing" and having to return to Nashville while the family is still together in Erie. But I have to move on. I'd be hurting myself, and I'd like to think Gramps, if I left Nashville and the work I'm doing here. True, some days, I wonder what exactly I'm doing. I feel like I write emails that are never responded to, that I have hour conversations that only skim the surface. I go home to new friends and never take advantage of all the possibilities Nashville holds for me.

But, in the last week, I've felt and seen glimpses of being in the right place. It was in the emails and facebook posts from new Nashville friends that shared their condolences. It was the phone calls and messages, just to "check in." It was seeing my Westminster adviser in the airport on my way back to Tennessee. It was also the Sherwin-Williams truck that passed me; the Veterans that proudly walked around town yesterday. It's been reading daily devotions that talk about the Saints that have gone before us.

I've been asking God for a sign to let me know that Gramps is okay. Maybe they've been there all along. I guess my prayers should be for God to open my heart and eyes to the messages He's always been sending.

"but the greatest of these is love"

2009-11-05T12:25:00.002-06:00

My last post was about the new great loves of my life. Yesterday morning one of my life's greatest loves had passed from this world. My Gramps died after his two month battle with lymphoma of the brain.I still can't wrap my head around the idea that I won't see him, his big smile, or receive one of his empowering hugs. It's been a hard two months for me, especially since the last time I saw him was before any of this had happened--I learned of the brain tumor after I was all ready at YAV Orientation.

I head home on Friday morning for some much needed family time, viewings, and the service. I'm joyful and excited to see my family, to be with them, and to celebrate the great of love of life that Gramps always carried with him. It will certainly be hard, but I know that his love is with me, and enables me to live and serve each day here in Nashville.

Thank you for all your prayers and love.

Blessings from Gramps' #3,
Bethany

CNN Interview

2009-11-04T00:38:00.000-06:00

A really cool CNN interview with a former YAV who served in Kenya. Check it out @

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/bestoftv/2009/11/01/fof.kenyan.mission.cnn.html

great loves

2009-10-29T16:13:00.007-05:00

Well we made it back from Memphis safely, after having a great trip. And this week has flown by. . . lots of appointments and tasks to be done. I helped with lunch at Downtown again, started my discernment Bible study, and painted a whole room (trim & door included) at a local non-profit, House of Mercy.

And through this week, with some discernment and introspection, I've realized some new great loves of mine:
*I've realized that I love volunteering and serving. I really do. I love being God's hands and feet, in whatever way that looks. Wednesday it took the form of putting away clean dishes at Downtown, today it was in the form of copying important papers for the Spring Break trip, and last weekend it was venturing around downtown Memphis with a group of great students.

*I love leading Bible Study or writing devotions and being amazed at how God brings new ideas and thoughts into my head. I love being able to articulate those ideas. Most times, I'm saying or writing something that I've never previously thought about. And it comes so fast that I, more often than not, can't tell you what I've said.

*I love living in an intentional Christian community, where I can be. True I'm living with four "strangers," but we've shared so much in the two-ish months we've been together, I can easily call them some of my closest friends.

*I love living in the South. And while I can't easily articulate this one, it really is a new, deep love of mine.

*I love working at PSF, establishing new friendships, laughing, and growing with the students in my love of life, service, and God.

*I also love this photo of me, taken during our rainy workday in Memphis:

cut-out houses

2009-10-21T16:08:00.004-05:00

Today I went to Downtown Pres to help serve the Wednesday lunch for homeless men and women. The task I was assigned to was passing out desserts. There was an odd conglomeration of dessert items, but most of the desserts were green frosted cut-out cookies. The cookies were all in the shape of houses.

For some reason, I can't shake the fact that the cookies were green houses. Maybe because all the people we were serving were homeless, and I would guess want houses to live in. I don't know why it's bugging me so much, or even how I feel about house cookies going to the homeless. It's just something I keep thinking about and wanted to share.

Fall Break Trip

2009-10-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

Today the six Vandy students, two German exchange students, and three PSF staff members leave for our social justice Fall break mission trip. We will be heading to Memphis for the weekend, serving with different organizations. We'll also be stopping at the Civil Rights and Stax museums, which I'm eager to experience. I also hope to see the duck march at the Peabody Hotel!

I hope you will join me in praying for safe travels, expanded horizons, opened eyes and hearts, and rejuvenation for our tired students and my weary soul.

Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on us. . .

spiritual catch up

2009-10-20T16:31:00.005-05:00

It's been a bit of a challenging week or so since my last post. God is stretching me, and as is usual, it's not been comfortable.

Last Wednesday I had a male student question how I, as a woman, could possibly be called into ministry. He probed deeper, asking what my and the PC(USA)'s view was on 1 Corinthians 14:34, were Paul states that women should remain silent. I was stunned by his questions, they were totally unexpected, as most of my coffee dates with students are full of casual chit-chat. Unfortunately, I was totally caught off guard by his questions; these are questions I had never personally been asked before. I stumbled my way through a shoddy answer and left our time together feeling frustrated by my own lack of an answer. Jennifer was helpful as I discussed this conversation later, and has passed along a book (Being Presbyterian in the Bible Belt) to help me form an opinion, or at least a response when this question arises again, which it will she assures me, in seminary, if not before.

Consequently, I've been thinking a lot about his questions. It's caused me to think about my calling, the shape it is taking, and the path I'm feeling 'pulled' towards. If seminary is really the next step, I have a lot of reading, and personal exploration ahead of me, so I know how to answer those questions without too much hesitation. It has really rocked my world though. It now seems strange that I've been contemplating this call into the ministry for so long and this is the first time I can remember my sex being a reason to reconsider. I don't really think I'm reconsidering my call, but I've definitely been putting much more energy and focus into it after that conversation.

Using all that extra energy has caught up with me. I'm feeling drained in all ways, the little things are getting to me, and all of a sudden I'm homesick. Thanks be to God, though, who "arranged" for me to have wonderful conversations with my parents, Susan, Jennifer, and even Ken, the pastor at Downtown. In each conversation, I have found that talking through my feelings has really helped. Each of them has listened, given me the space to cry, to laugh, to be angry and to talk about all the reasons why "life is finally catching up with me." It appears to be true, that even you move away from home, do lots of self-reflection and discovery, but do not take the time to process it all, everything will catch up to you. The little things over the weekend were the final straws, causing my spirit to be drained and my lack of processing to catch up with me.

Now, almost a week after that conversation, I'm slowly feeling better. It's been a rough week but I've learned a lot and had a lot of conversations that have blessed my life.

Thanks be to God!

2009-10-13T11:39:00.003-05:00

Thanks be to God!

I just got an email saying that not only have I reached my $4,000 support goal, but I've also well surpassed that mark!

Thank you to all of you, for your financial support, for reading this blog, and for all the prayers and love you continually send my way. Each and every aspect of your support is a blessing to me! May your day be as blessed and wonderful as mine has just become!

hometown

2009-10-12T10:09:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling a mixture of emotions recently in regards to the word "home." I remember feeling this way at the beginning of my time at Westminster. Is it okay to call Nashville home? When and how does a place become home?

In my wonderings, I've thought of several potential criteria for defining a new place as home, such as:
-if one can find their way around the new place without too much effort, but I decided that wasn't a safe bet, upon thinking of Pittsburgh
-if one knows all the "cool" places to hang out, but that didn't seem valid either

And then two interesting things happened:

I was having a conversation with a pastor I had just met, and we were discussing how my roommate with the bike injury was doing. I said something to the effect of: "She's doing well, especially since she just moved back home last week." We talked a bit longer about it, and then with a confused look on his face, he asked me what home she had returned too. Without hesitation I replied that she had come back to the Cabana, the house we share in East Nashville. He then explained that his confusion came from me calling that her home. "Most YAVs aren't calling Nashville 'home' only a month or two in," he said with a smile.

While watching the Colts play(and win!) in Nashville, I felt a strong pang of ownership each time the NBC cameras showed downtown, the pedestrian bridge, an overview of the illuminated city, or even a view of the river. It was my city they were in. I repeated shared with my roommates that I love this place, my home.

It seems that whatever qualifications a place needs to become a "home" for me have been met. I am happy here, feeling settled, loved, and welcomed. I love the South, the new friends I've made, and even the Titans a little bit. 5358 will always be my home, just as Westminster will always be. And now Nashville holds a spot on that list; on my list of places my heart will always belong.

recap

2009-10-08T16:18:00.003-05:00

It's been a world-wind since my last post. It's been so fast paced and crazy that it's hard to believe it's been a week since I turned 23. Here's a quick-ish recap of the last week:

*attended a breakfast about young adults in the church at the Vandy Divinity school; heard a lot of things that I believe to be important for young adults
*had lunch with Faye, my "host mother" from Downtown Pres @ a great coffee shop, called Frothy Monkey
*went and partied on Broadway on Friday night in some Honky Tonks; great live music
*went Good Will shopping with Jennifer. . . what a fun experience that was! I got all sorts of "new" clothes, and they are all name brand!
*went on the Art Crawl around downtown Nashville, which is a free event every first Saturday of the month
*been meeting with students all week and having great conversations with all of them
*had our first Guatemala meeting; looks like we'll have a group of about 10-15 students for Spring Break
*preparing for our fall break mission trip to Memphis, it's the 21st-25th (it's coming so fast!)
* helped get our 824 breakfast (a "thank you" to all our supporters)put together; Bob and I made the quiches and I told a part of my story on how I became a YAV

I'm really loving taking advantage of making new friends, the free events in and around the city, and the never ending activities of being connected with campus ministry!

birthday blessings

2009-10-01T17:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day. The sun was shining all day; the puffy clouds floated away gently. My friends, family, Vandy people, and NEP girls really out did themselves in making it a fabulous day.

I woke early to have breakfast at Panera with a student. I loved the Cinnamon Crunch bagel :) After Panera with Nina, I headed across campus to meet another fun-loving student at the on campus Starbucks. I got lost along the way, ended up in the wrong building and was annoyed with myself. I stopped a student walking by, and she graciously and wonderfully escorted me to the Starbucks. We had a great conversation, what a blessing she was to my day. Tea with Lauren was fabulous; we share a lot of similar life experiences, hopes, and fears. After tea with her, I had my weekly meeting with Jennifer. She constantly challenges me to look at my life and my being differently--which I'm loving.

I was running behind for my next appointment when Jennifer and I finished, so I neglected to notice that my other co-workers had put a large sign up in the office, made me a cake, and wanted to celebrate! The next thing on my agenda was going to Downtown Pres to help with the Wednesday homeless lunch. I meet and engaged with several men there; Fabian even stood up and started singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Instead of saying my name, he called me Miss Pennsylvania. When Ken, my pastor, heard that it was my b-day, he acknowledged that it was his birthday as well. We are birthday buddies!

I spent the rest of my afternoon opening cards, laughing, returning phone calls, reading, and enjoying the blessings of another year and another special day. Thank you for the facebook posts, cards, phone calls, packages, gifts. . . you contributed to a wonderful day!

church friends

2009-09-27T16:12:00.005-05:00

Today, I actually got to work on a Habitat house. I spent the day working with some folks from my new church, Downtown Pres. To say that I was a bit nervous would be an understatement. Last week at worship wasn't so great, and I was unsure of what an entire day with DPC people would be like. Well, as usual, God surprised me.

When I got to neighborhood, all of which are Habitat houses, I couldn't find the one DPC was to be working on. I wandered from house to house, trying to figure out where "my people" were. Eventually, I found them all at the top of the hill. I tried to blend in, all the while feeling like I was sticking out. Soon though, I began to make conversation. Rachel, a middle aged woman, started telling me about the DPC history and the upcoming organ concert her cousin from Duquesne is going to give. Sarah and her husband Doug were incredibly friendly as well. Then I met Faye, my Nashville "host mother." She's another sweet woman, and her husband Jim was wonderful too.

After an orientation meeting and seeing Susan the NEP site coordinator, I headed back to our house. I felt again that I was sticking out awkwardly. But then I noticed other people just waiting for instruction. Eventually I began to paint interior walls with Rachel and Samera. Samera quickly became my new best friend, as we shared laughs, paint splatters, football talk, and fun places for me to visit in the city.

Later, while taking a break (and trying to get paint out of my hair!), a woman name Ann introduced herself. We quickly realized that we had exchanged emails. Then, rather suddenly, Ann asked: "Can you explain your shirt to me?" Looking down, I realized I had a Westminster College Titans Football shirt on. I explained that I went to college at Westminster, a small Presbyterian related school north of Pittsburgh. A smile flashed across her face. Ann responded with a simple statement that changed my day: "My first teaching job after getting my Ph.D. was at Westminster in the Religion department. Do you know Kang Na?" To say that I was floored would be an understatement. Kang Na was my adviser, and one of the people who encouraged me to explore doing a YAV year. Consequently, Ann and I shared many New Wilmington/Westminster stories throughout the day.

It was a great day, a day I hope to not forget, for just when I was beginning to think that I would not have a warm church community, I found connections I never expected to find. Samera wants to take me to live music concerts, movies, and the art crawl. And we both have birthdays this week, as does Beth, another DPC member. Faye wants to take me to lunch. Sarah suggested that I was "Our Bethany." Ann and I shared a "WC moment" of great joy. It's almost hard to believe that a week ago I dreaded almost everything about that place. Now it is starting to feel like home; a home with friendly faces!

promised pictures

2009-09-26T21:09:00.015-05:00

Today was suppose to be a day of working with the PSF students on a Habitat build. Instead, I brought a sick student home early and spent the day relaxing. So, I thought it a good time to try to get some pictures up of our house, the Cabana. . .

Looking from the front door, a view of the living room & into the kitchen:

This is the Cabana living room from a different angle (front door is to the right):

Cabana kitchen:

my bedroom (French doors to the back yard are behind the navy curtains):

my super sweet, not so "simple living" walk-in closet:

Just a great piece of art which is not in the Cabana, but should be:

routine

2009-09-24T12:50:00.003-05:00

I never know how to start a blog post. Should I tell you that I'm sitting in my office, eating my lunch? Or that my desk is a mess with all the things I need to be doing? Or that I am always checking my email, waiting for a student to get back to me about a potential coffee date? Each of these things happen most days. I guess you could almost say that it's all becoming a routine. A fun, always changing, routine.

Like this routine I've found, my life is good. Lisa, my housemate, is doing well. I plan on visiting her this afternoon. Gramps is doing well too, which is a blessing to hear. I'm finding all sorts of things to work on for PSF: writing notes to students, more coffee dates, creating Guatemala information sheets, taking walks around campus, working on Habitat rides, reaching out to Belmont students, helping to get fundraising information out, creating a Bible Study, helping with the Alternative Gift Fair. . . it's certainly not boring.

It can, however, be frustrating when "results" are hard to see. I totally understand now why Jennifer gardens; she can see results and responses from plants. Students aren't always like that. But I did get excited when students were calling out to me on Tuesday, when they were leaving. The smiles, the waves, the "catch you laters" made me feel like I've got a good start on this ministry thing and having new friends! Which is certainly an answer to all my prayers.

overwhelming weekend

2009-09-20T14:30:00.004-05:00

It's been quite the weekend here in Nashville. It was suppose to be a fun, no schedule weekend. And while it was to begin with, it took a tragic turn. I'll start at the beginning:

Friday: Diana, Leslie, and I got up early (6:30is) to wander around at a yard sale. Unfortunately, it was not what we expected, but we still had fun looking around. We ventured then to Starbucks. It was my third Starbucks stop in two days. . . I felt like Kayla! After Starbucks, we had our Vocational Discernment as YAVs. We discussed one of my favorite books, Let Your Life Speak. We had great discussion and I left feeling challenged to reexamine my spiritual life and my vocational goals. The rest of Friday was spent preparing to celebrate Lisa's birthday. We had the other YAVs over for pizza, cake, drinks, and a movie night. It was fun to be together. I was sad going to bed though, because we watched Flashdance, which is set in Pittsburgh. Watching the incline go up Mt. Washington, I felt pangs of homesickness.

Saturday: I woke up feeling rested for the first time since moving to Nashville. I started and finished "Five People you Meet in Heaven," which was a great way to take sometime for myself. I had no plans for my day, and I was really excited to have it that way. But with one phone call, that all changed. The birthday girl, Lisa, had a bike accident, and called me. I ended up calling her back, trying to calm her down, and found where she was. She was a few blocks away, with several bumps, bruises, and open wounds. The ambulance showed up, and took her to the hospital. My roommates and I followed, where we learned that Lisa had broken her jaw in three places. She ended up having surgery which was to fix her broken teeth and wire shut her jaw. Spending the afternoon in the ER was draining. . . I had to leave to get some fresh air, as all the traumas coming in got to me. I still can't believe how well I generally behaved there though.

Sunday: I woke today, dreading having to do anything. Yesterday had certainly taken its toll. But it was the first Sunday I was to worship at Downtown Pres. so I got up and headed over early. There was a Titans game starting at noon, so I left to make sure I wouldn't be late. Luckily, there wasn't much traffic going into the city, so I got there too early. I parked, tried to get into the church, but all the doors were locked. It ended up that while venturing around the church, I walked through urine left by the homeless men that frequent the church's alley. Disgusted by that, I continued to the streetfront. I still couldn't get in and my summer skirt was flapping in the breeze. Getting frustrated, I tried to walk away, only to be stopped by David, a mentally ill homeless man. David started talking about all sorts of things: the weather, professional women, overdrawing his bank account, what a horrible city Nashville is, and how a young woman like me should eat more Mexican food. I was so frustrated, so angry that church doors were locked etc. I was trying to listen to David, but I allowed lots of other things to cloud my mind. Eventually, David made some comment about how tense I was. And I was. He totally called me out on that. Finally, the doors opened, I got into the church, met a few people (Lee, a sweet older man; Jeff a younger elder; Laura the Habitat woman). Even though I met them, I found myself sitting alone in worship. I hate sitting alone in church. Needless to say, this morning left me very frustrated. I felt so alone and yet horrible for feeling that way, as Lisa was pretty much alone in the hospital on her birthday. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective, to be thankful that things aren't any worse, that Lisa is going to be okay, that church is sure to get better as I meet more people . . . but right now it's hard.

needs & stretching

2009-09-17T12:13:00.002-05:00

Last night, as I was falling asleep I asked God to open my eyes to those who are forgotten and to open my ears to the stories that are often left untold. I don't know why His answering of my prayers still surprises me. . . but that's just how it is.

On my way to work, I saw a group of men, who I presume to be homeless, gathered under a bridge. They appeared to be a community, laughing, talking, and very much present with each other. As I drove from beneath the cover of the bridge, I wondered how many of my fellow commuters saw these men. If they did see them, did they recognize them as people? So often I think we (generally speaking) don't recognize that men, like this group, have gifts to share with others. They all have gifts, all have spirits, and all have problems. Just like me. Exactly like me. My circumstances have been different in some aspects, but I'm sure if I talked with them, we would have similar life experiences in one way or another.

Those thoughts have been heavy on my heart today. Each time I look out into the rain, I think of them. And then I think of the Vandy students who are walking along, who have just as many needs as those men do. Some needs might be the same; some could be very different. But needs all the same, just like the needs I have.

Where do I go from here? How do I meet those needs?

I'm going to keep praying that God open my eyes and ears, even if it means knowing things I would rather not see or hear. But I guess that's what this year is all about. A year of stretching myself and remembering that stretching (of any kind) keeps us flexible, making it easier to meet all those needs.

balance

2009-09-15T08:56:00.005-05:00

There is so much going on in my life. And while most of it has been enjoyable, I'm exhausted, nearing stressed, and just plain worn out. The weekend trip was great, and I loved the community building . . . but my body is sore (from rafting and daily trips to the YMCA). My personal to do list gets longer each day, and I don't feel like I have enough time to get everything done. I apologize to all those who have called, texted, emailed, or mailed me something without a response. Those expressions of kindness have not gone unnoticed. Thank goodness for leftovers from work, because I haven't gone grocery shopping. There are just so many things to see, to do, to experience. But I'm going to have to find a balance.

Talking of balance, I finally met my pastor yesterday. Ken Locke, the pastor of Downtown Presbyterian church (DPC) is a great guy. He showed me around the church (see pictures at http://www.dpchurch.com/dpctour.php), and then took me out for breakfast. He had me laughing, thinking deep, wanting balance in my life and got me even more excited to become a part of his church community. While they have a small congregation, they are active with two lunches each week for the homeless people of Nashville. It's my hope that I might be able to get Vandy students to go with me on Wednesdays to serve. Ken also was kind enough to get me connected with the Habitat people at DPC. I hope to work with them on the 27th.

After breakfast, I headed over to my office. Right now my office has become my haven. It's my space to simply be. With four roommates and a lot of shared house space, it's nice to have room to call my own. I'm not sure that having my office as my haven is healthy. . . who really wants to spend extra time in their office? But for now, until I can find someplace else, it works.

I'm slowly learning the signs my body gives me about needing to rest, to rejuvenate, and to be. I went to bed early last night, just to find clarity in my scattered brain. I woke this morning with clarity, with new understanding, and a slightly rested feeling. And since I went to bed early and woke early, I have time now before work to get caught up on my to do list. And I'd like to call that success in finding a bit of balance.

Things I learned this weekend

2009-09-13T08:47:00.002-05:00

After a successful, yet exhausting weekend trip to Tims Ford lake & the Ocee river for rafting and water fun, this is a list of things I have learned:

*I am much more aware of animals on road trips and nature excursions than others. I spotted a fox, two spotted fawns, and a deer when others didn't. Is that a quality of PA girls or just Olson girls?!

*Staying in the raft while white water rafting isn't too hard; just wedge your feet under the inflated rubber and you won't really go too far.

*Campus ministry can be dirty. Literally. I helped to pack a cooler and got jam all over my hands. (But my cooler packing skills were much appreciated).

*I have a bad habit of over packing and still not having enough of what I really need.

*There is something wonderfully calming and strangely glamorous about sitting near water and just being.

*I am going to get a lot of food leftovers from PSF events. And my roommates love that!

p.s.

2009-09-10T14:48:00.001-05:00

Pictures of everything are coming soon. . . promise!

three days in

2009-09-10T14:26:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in my office. My office on the Vanderbilt Campus. That's just crazy.

My John Calvin bobble head, my Westminster paper weight, my First Covenant mouse pad are all proudly displayed on my desk. I even made room for one of my ceramic pieces to serve as a pen holder. My business cards are directly in front of that. Crazy!

Today is my third day at "work" on campus. I came on Tuesday, met with Jennifer, went over what sorts of things she wants me to be involved in, etc. Bob, the development director, Jennifer and I then headed over to Grins (pronounced greens)at the Jewish Schulman Center for lunch. After lunch, Jennifer showed me around campus. It's a beautiful and exciting place. When we got back to the Office of Religious Life building (where our offices are), she worked on writing her sermon, while I worked on emails, t-shirts, rafting details, and other odds and ends.

The best part of Tuesday was definitely the PSF worship. PSF worships in St. Augustine's Chapel on campus, which is a fabulous building. There were about 30 students there for worship and dinner. The theme of the year is "stories we live by. . . " with the first text from John 4.3-30. (I read aloud the words of Jesus). Dinner was provided by a couple from Second Pres, who are both Vandy employees and pastors. We had a great conversation about discernment. When I got home at about 8:35pm, with dinner leftovers, I was certainly exhausted, but it was a great first day!

Wednesday was another day of chatting with Jennifer, lunch on campus, meeting more new people, and seeing more beautiful buildings. I also got my Vanderbilt id and a PSF t-shirt. Jennifer and I also came into contact with some donated clothing that was going to be gotten rid of, so we had our own mini-shopping experience--my housemates really seemed to like the clothes!

Today was exciting in that I found my way here without Gladys, my GPS. First on the agenda was a meeting to discuss the Alternative Gift Fair. I'm excited to be helping with that, as it was always such an important part of the YPS year for me at Westminster. Later tonight is Theology on Tap, where I can hopefully talk about God, enjoy some pizza, and celebrate a victory with Titans fans.

Every morning so far, as I head home from the Y and see the city sky line, I'm thankful that God has guided me here. It's certainly starting to feel more like home everyday.

themes of life

2009-09-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

Things are going really well. Jennifer and I chatted yesterday, talking about all the details for my first day on Tuesday. It will be a long first day, from about 11am until 9pm, but that's because of worship and dinner. I'm so excited (and a bit nervous) to get started. Then after a potentially quite Wednesday and Theology on Tap (TOT) on Thursday, I'll head off to a white water rafting trip with the Vandy kids. Bob, the development director, has promised to put me right in the front of the raft. . . I'll be sure to let you know how that works out!

This morning, we heard Bruce Reyes-Chow, the Moderator of the General Assembly. He was speaking at the More Light Conference at Second Presbyterian. The More Light Conference is part of the churches within the PCUSA who are accepting and welcoming of all people, regardless of sexual orientation. It was a new experience for me, but as most of this first week has been, it has challenged me to look at things differently. I've accepted that as my theme for this year: challenging my views and pushing me in new directions. (For example, the Episcopalian service I went to on Friday night challenged me to learn what is worshipful to me, and consequently what is not.)

Besides the challenges though, I'm really getting settled to the Nashville community. I joined the local YMCA today, got a Kroger's card--even with a mini-crisis about what to buy, can almost find my way across town, got my first package in the mail, got stuck in LP Field traffic for the Titans/Packers game, have met many friendly people, and have all ready become a regular at Ugly Mugs (where I'm sitting right now, listening to a live band.). I'm eager to get my schedule settled, but I'm also enjoying living semi-spontaneously as I go with the flow. All in all, I'm still very much at peace, still extremely confident that I am in the right place, and still very eager to get to work.

I want to sign off tonight, with this Martin Luther King Jr. quote that has been on my heart all day. It was in the Civil Rights room of the Public Library. I feel like it pertains to my life as well as it did his:

"I came to Nashville not to bring inspiration, but to gain inspiration from the great movement that has taken place in this community."

Gifts of Knowledge

2009-09-03T16:25:00.000-05:00

I'm currently sitting outside, sipping an iced chai tea, using Ugly Mugs' internet. Our house is not yet set up with the internet. And while that has been stressful, it's also nice to get out into our East Nashville community and start to feel as if I belong. I know I do belong here, but with stuff going on in Erie, it's been hard. It stressful to live away from home when issues arise. . . but it's all out of my control and I have to accept that. I wish I could be physically present, but this is a good lesson on relying on God's spirit to surround my loved ones.
My new community of YAVs been wonderful in being present with me & watching out for me. I already love this intentional community. . . they are holding me accountable, making me realize the importance of self-boundaries, and have promised to help me say that one particular word I hate to use . . . "no." Last night for example, I watched Brothers & Sisters with my roommates and enjoyed time to just be; what a blessing that is.

In other news, our Nashville orientation is going well. We served Meals on Wheels today, which was great. (Thanks, Dad, for all the lessons on how to talk with strangers! I never would have thought that I could do it or be thankful for those lessons, but I totally am!) We've visited all 8 partner sites, heard the incredible missions of each organization, and saw where each other is working. It was heartbreaking to hear of the needs within this community, but such a comfort to know that people are making small triumphs each day. I've all ready had my beliefs on the death penalty, poverty, health care, and church mission challenged--and all in healthy ways. For so long, I've avoided having an opinion. Now, I feel as if I have to be educated,at least to know the facts. I'm not certain that at the end of the day I'll have changed any of my thoughts, but at least I will be semi-well versed on them. I have always known, but now truly believe that ignorance is not bliss. There is so much out there that I have to learn. And still so much more to touch my heart.

Nashville Orientation

2009-09-01T16:24:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe that it is September all ready.

It’s also hard to believe that I’ve officially spent one full day now, as a resident of Nashville.
Besides a few passing thoughts and prayers for all that I have left behind in PA, I haven’t really processed my move too much. I know that Westminster is back in session, and that things are going on in Erie, but this transitional time has really kept me from thinking too much about that now distant community. I certainly miss my WC friends, and wish I could be physically present in Erie to give a few hugs out, but this new community feels so natural and well established it’s hard to remember that I haven’t always known them or lived here. It’s such a blessing to feel the peace of God in this new place. . .

Today was the first day of Nashville orientation. We got up, and ventured (in my car—I hope I get used to major city driving) over to 2nd Pres, and the “Toolshed.” The Toolshed is the house on the 2nd Pres property, where three other YAVs live this year. Liz, Bonnie, and Karol live there together. All three girls are 2009 college grads.

After a brief schedule meeting with Susan, the Nashville site manager, we all loaded into 2nd’s 1989 van, and headed off to visit the agencies Liz and Karol will be serving this year. Our first stop was in a HUD (Housing & Urban Development) community. Nations, a nonprofit agency for immigrants is settled among the other houses. As our group of nine women walked in, we were immediately the attention of about 10 little children. They were working on art projects. Adorable does not even begin to describe their precious faces. In a back room, we gathered around a table with Chris, the director of Nations, who described to Liz (who will be working there) and the rest of us, what role Nations plays in that community. What Chris shared with us, was incredibly enlightening. He shared the stories of Burundi refugees: how generations of Burundis have only ever lived in refugee camps. How the US invites them to come over, but then expects them to pay for their travel expenses—which would be fine, except that most of these refugees have no skills, are illiterate in all languages, and have one minimum wage job per household to support typically 5+ people. Before they can even get themselves established, debt overwhelms them. The government will teach them basic skills (understanding how electricity work, bus schedules, grocery stores etc.) but that assistance only lasts about 90 days. After 90 days, the government believes them to be well established. Without organizations like Nations, these refugees could not assimilate into our culture, could not learn English, and truly have no hope to function within the US.

I was shocked by what I was hearing. I suddenly felt very sheltered and unaware. There are so many issues out there . . . so many shortcomings, so many of my brothers and sisters left out. Thank goodness there are people who hear the gentle whisper of God (whether they recognize it as that or not is a different subject) and do the best they can to meet the needs of those around them.

After our Nations visit, we headed over to Preston Taylor Ministries (PTM), the agency Karol will be working with. PTM is settled just outside another public housing development. This ministry reaches out to the children in the neighborhood with after school programs and homework help. PTM’s mission is to have the children discover their God inspired dreams, and to improve their reading skills. The space they have is incredible. Beautiful pictures and murals, computer rooms, study rooms, a fabulous playground (designed by some PTM 4th graders), and walls covered with Bible passages. The directors of PTM have made an investment into that community, and the students and community is blooming under the guiding hand of PTM.

The work of these organizations is incredibly impressive. They are truly seeing needs and filling them. I’m eager to hear the stories Liz and Karol share. I’m also very hopeful that I can encourage the Vanderbilt students I will be working with to get involved, as both places depend heavily upon volunteers. My work at Vandy will certainly be different, but I pray that I can and will make a difference in the lives I’ll be working with, just as Liz’s & Karol’s work will.

Back in Town

2009-08-31T16:19:00.000-05:00

We got back from Orientation on this afternoon. The week was good; great community was formed, but it was wonderful to finally and officially “land” where the work is to begin.
Our house, now full with the five of us, was patiently waiting for us to arrive. After figuring out the tv & discussing how the bathroom sharing was to work, we ventured out into our East Nashville community for dinner. We stopped, happily, a few blocks East at a Mexican restaurant “Las Maracas.” (Very similar to El Canelo in PA). We enjoyed laughs, stories, and great food. It felt as if we had known each other much longer than just a week.
My housemates are wonderful women of faith and character. Diana is originally from Washington State, and served last year as a YAV in Tuscan. This year, she’ll be working with TCASK, an organization fighting for the abolition of state killings. Leslie, a native Tennessean, is a 2009 college graduate. She will be working with the homeless ministry, Room In the Inn. Lisa, another ’09 college grad is from Arizona. Lisa is to work with the Martha O’Brien ministries, which works in a public housing development to provide after school programs to the youth of that community. Rebecca, my roommate, is also a PA gal. She’s been teaching GED courses in Philly and will be working with a church just down the road (Eastminster Pres.).
It’s a great group of us to be sharing this house. We spent most of the evening talking and learning about each other. We should have been unpacking . . . but fellowship seemed more important. What was really great was that just before we were all going to go to bed, Rebecca called everyone into our bedroom. She felt (and we all agreed) that evening prayer would be a blessing to each of us. To quote her: “A family that prays together stays together.” We couldn’t have christened our time together any better.

heading South, again

2009-08-30T16:38:00.000-05:00

Orientation is a few hours away from being over. I'm ready to hit the ground running in Nashville. We have a week of orientation once we get back to the city, but it will finally be time to get the work started.

Orientation

2009-08-26T10:18:00.000-05:00

Stony Point, NY is unlike what I had expected. It's in a great community, that is very aware of God's glorious creation, and they strive to take care and preserve all that is around them. Set up much like Westminster Highlands, Camp Crestfield, and Lambec, it's a place of many buildings, great worship space, and free room to wander. I've meet the seven Nashville girls. . . we all ready have a great community forming. The larger group consists of nearly 70 YAVs, who will be serving both nationally and internationally. It's been a great blessing to meet and talk with each other, share our concerns, go through vocational discernment, self-care, and simply walk around. Through our activities up-to-now, I've discerned, thanks to the Meyer's-Briggs, that I'm an ISFJ personality--but I'm moving more and more to the extravert personality!, and that I have a hard time feeling my own personal energy. Right now there is a seminary fair going on. It was interesting to find that out of the YAV program, about 20-30% of all YAVs end up attending a seminary. I was impressed by that until I heard that from the Nashville site, the numbers jump to nearly 70%. Interesting. . . :)

right where I belong

2009-08-23T09:37:00.001-05:00

There's so much to say right now. I feel a strange mixture of feelings . . . I'm sad to have watched Stephanie leave, and then almost heartbroken watching Mom & Dad drive away. And yet, at the very same time, I am feeling so confident and assured that this is exactly where I need to be right now. I need to be on my own, listening for God's gentle whispers. I need to live on $400 a month, and I need to learn the value of hard work and putting my heart into something new. (And really, what better time in my life to be "poor"?)

I've enjoyed my sight-seeing adventures here in Nashville. I feel somewhat oriented to the city and traffic patterns. But I'm ready to really dive into the city, into the ministry, into a new chapter in my life. When I met with Jennifer and Bob at Vanderbilt, I was excited to meet students, face fears with them, struggle with the issues that come up as a first-year student, cheer on the Commodores, and wear black & gold (at least when I forget that black & gold are also Steeler's colors!). When I met Susan, I was excited to see the cute house I'll be living in. She told me about my new church, Downtown Pres, the homeless ministries there, the couple that have volunteered to be my host family--a very sweet sounding couple, who have gone on several mission trips and work with Habitat, which I feel is a wonderful God thing.

It all feels so right.

Even though I'm sitting here, alone, with the last of my physical PA connections heading into Kentucky, I know that sometimes God's plan for our lives demands some sad moments. It takes moments that make you wonder what it really means to allow God to guide your pathway. Even though it is hard, and will probably be much harder in the months to come, I'm with God, and there's no better place to be than in the midst of His grace and love.

Listening to David Bailey's song "Life," right now:
". . . the music will tell you that right now, you're right where you belong."

welcome home

2009-08-20T17:35:00.001-05:00

safely in Nashville! so excited to start off this new year.

a month & counting

2009-07-22T14:18:00.000-05:00

It's July 22nd.

A month from today, my parents will be in Nashville with me.

We'll be unpacking my life.

I'll be starting in a new place with new people and a new home.

I was saying that my move wasn't coming fast enough.

Now I'm wondering where all the time has gone . . .

and if I should start packing?

The Count-Down Begins

2009-07-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

August 20th is quickly approaching.

It's coming so fast that I've started listening to country music (and enjoying most of it). I'm hungering for more of GiGi's gourmet cupcakes. I'm wondering what having an office will really feel like. I'm wondering just how many sweaters I'll need to pack for the 'winter' months. And then there is all the new things: a new address/state, new roommates, new friends, new food choices (yay cornbread & sweet tea!), and a new place to see God at work.

I'm really excited for everything new to start. And, truth be told, nervousness is creeping up on me too. Oh new things.