Four Pastors, One Day

Today I had four fabulous conversations with four fabulous PC(USA) pastors. My weekly meeting with Jennifer was insightful and thought provoking. . . as always. Whenever we sit and talk, I find myself talking about things that are important in my life that I've either not thought about before nor realized about myself. I "name" a lot of the issues I have within myself and strive to work on them. My conversations with her are the thresholds of a lot of my growth as a person.

My next pastoral conversation was with Ken. We shared terrible meatloaf at a meat and three downtown. Our conversation was different than the one I had with Jennifer, naturally. We talked about our struggles in ministry, what ministry can (and maybe should) look like. I listened to him talk about the challenges in ministry and heard him say that ministry is messy with an exhausted sigh. And yet there was a passion in his eyes, a spark that clearly comes from the challenges he faces and the love he shares with people. It was a spark and a passion that resonated within my own heart; it's a spark and passion that I hope to emulate in whatever God calls me to.

Next, I ventured around a PC(USA) conference and ran into Ellie Johns. Ellie is a pastor that shaped my youth and is from Erie as well. She's been a constant in pushing me to see a broader spectrum in the church and in the people of the church. She always introduces me to new people, new ideas, and compels me to consider new aspects of myself.

The last pastor of the day was my mentor from Westminster, Dr. [Mrs.] Cushman. She was in Nashville for the same conference Ellie was. It was so wonderful to spend time with her. I spent so many hours in her office in college, seeking her wisdom, her insight, and her compassionate spirit as I struggled through the issues of my college years. Today, we talked about the work I am doing, how I am finally taking care of myself and my needs, and about what the future holds. Dr. Cushman played a significant role in my discernment to become a YAV; and it was affirming to hear her say that she could tell this was the right decision for me. I continue to be grateful for her insight, and her hugs.

All three of my worlds collided today: Erie, Westminster, and YAV/Nashville through four wonderful conversations with four wonderful pastors. I'm feeling excited about these conversations, the growth I sense within myself and the growth that was affirmed in several different ways, and what possibilities lie ahead of me. Only God knows why I had these four conversations all in one day. Who knows, maybe I will join the ranks of these great pastors!?!

Rebuilt Ruins

I've been feeling pretty worn down lately. I don't know what the root cause has been. Sometimes I think I'm still grieving the loss of my Gramps, maybe it's partial homesickness, being sick, and as usual, my innate inability to say no to things. It could be any or all of these factors. What I do know is that I've been struggling to stay focused and positive.

I'm also feeling tested in many ways: my physical health, financially, how to respond to the need that surrounds me in so many different forms, and even how to trust in the future that I know is out there but I don't know where it leads.

I've been reading my daily devotional, my daily Bible verse calendar, attending meaningful worships, sharing my feelings over coffee without much avail. Nothing was really calming the raging internal storm; there was no peace to all the friction I was feeling. That was until a few minutes ago.

I agreed to help Ken, the pastor at Downtown, plan and lead the Ash Wednesday service. He asked me to read the lectionary readings for that day so when we have lunch on Thursday we could talk about the direction for the service. I read the first reading without much interest and started in on the second reading in a similar fashion. But about eight verses in, the words started connecting with my spirit. I finished the reading and started reading it all again. The words suddenly became a balm to my weary and worn spirit.

I encourage you to read Isaiah 58 and see what truths God reveals to you. For, "if you remove the yoke from among you, the pointing of the finger, the speaking of evil, if you offer your food to the hungry and satisfy the needs of the afflicted, then your light shall rise in the darkness and your gloom be like the noonday. . . . Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in." Amen.

Where's Bethany?

That was the bolded title of the paragraph that told the members of Downtown Pres where I've been. That was the question my sister Kayla asked in regards to my blog. It’s been a popular question these last few days and weeks, and I’m finally settled long enough to answer.

I headed home to PA on December 19th, the day of that frightful snow storm that plagued most of the East coast. Thankfully, I was able to get into Erie without any delay or issue. Christmas was better than I had expected and my week and a few days with family was gone before I had time to really settle in.

On December 30th, I headed back down South with my good friend and former NEP YAV, Katie Mohr. It was great to catch up with her. Once I got to Nashville, the whirlwind began. I went to a birthday party, ate at Rose Pepper, attended the Guitar Drop on the 31st, and spent New Year’s Day with Katie and new friends Megan and Wes, to get pedicures, watch movies, and other important self-care things. Then it was time to pack up (again) and head out for a week of PSF/Vanderbilt activities.

Saturday the 2nd was the day I headed to my first experience in Montreat, NC. Montreat is a conference center run by the PC(USA). It was a beautiful place, with a glorious lake, grand stone buildings, and about 800 college students. I've heard for a long time that the PC(USA) is a small world, with people knowing about each other. I found this to be the truth as I ran into people from the Summer Youth Institute, a friend from Columbia Seminary, and met plenty of people who knew people I knew. The sermons, lessons, keynotes, and general conversations were enlightening and inspiring. Texts that I’ve been struggling to understand (i.e. - Matthew 15.21-28), suddenly made sense, and I found myself explaining the interpretation to the students I was with. My two workshops on being a YAV, and the process of how to become one went nicely. I enjoyed coffee and great conversation with Ellie Johns and the five other SYI alums that were there. And the late night discussion with our group about interfaith dialogue, and God was deep and wide; much like the conference itself. My favorite part was my phone conversation with my Gram, around the partially frozen Lake Susan with the two white swans swimming nearby—truly a time filled with God’s presence.

Jennifer, a freshman student, and I then ventured to Winterplace, West Virginia a ski resort for a three day ski trip. We met up with the students and PSF from Middle Tennessee State University (MTSU). Although it wasn’t quiet what I had expected, I enjoyed getting to know the MTSU students, reading, and walking in the glistening snow (I chose not to ski). We left Winterplace and headed back to the Montreat region, spending the night at Jennifer’s parents house. On Saturday, we stopped at a J.Crew outlet, and had a great drive through Eastern Tennessee. I got home around 6 (back in Central time) to finally live out of a closet instead of a suitcase.

Today, although slightly cold, is a beautiful day in Nashville. The sun is shining and church was fulfilling. It was great to be back in this community, to be greeted with open arms and smiling faces. I’ve all ready had several offers to share coffee, engage in more church responsibilities, and to build more relationships. With the Vanderbilt school year resuming soon, I’m excited to see what this semester will hold. I will be sharing part of my life story on January 19th, to go along with the PSF theme: Stories We Live By. Our Guatemala trip is coming together well, as we fund raise together and begin to learn about that culture and peoples. It’s an exciting new time in my life and ministry . . . as I hope you can tell.

relation to God

On my way to work today, I made eye contact with an apparent homeless man who was crossing the street. I smiled at him, and wondered where he was headed. I noticed, via my side mirror, that he put his bag down at the bus stop and then pulled out a cardboard sign. He then walked up and down the sidewalk, carrying his sign with him. I never actually saw his sign, but I'm sure I can guess what it said. It was probably something about being homeless, something about needing a ride or food, or even how he is a veteran.

When the light turned green, I drove on. I carried his face and apparent situation with me as I traveled through downtown Nashville, seeing other homeless people wandering around. I saw empty cans, plastic bags, and even a sleeping bag under a bridge I passed.

I've blogged before about how I've noticed the homeless community around me. How I pray for open eyes to see the need. But today it meant more and was heavier on my heart than before.

I didn't know what to do. So I stuck with routine. I opened my emails to find that Ken, my pastor here in Nashville, had sent out an email. It was a link to a news clip that aired last night about giving food to the homeless, highlighting Downtown's Wednesday lunch program. In the news clip, Ken said something that spoke right to my heart:

Wherever I am, if I am close to God, God will help me see the need of those around me.

I don't know how close (or far) I am from God most days. I know that I could be a lot closer, I could focus much more energy on my relationship with God, and that I have a lot of love to share that I don't. But there's something deep about Ken's quote, something that I've been trying to process all day long. Is that what it feels/looks like to be in relationship with God: to see the needs that surround you and act out of love to make the world better? Suddenly, I feel like that could be a very real answer to a very important question.

Advent Reality

It's been a hard day for me. A friend, the first friend I made at Vanderbilt, had a stroke yesterday. He is a young, healthy, law student, with a lot of ambition and potential. My heart is breaking for him and his family as they deal with all of this with Christmas so quickly approaching. My aunt had hip replacement surgery today too; which means Olson Christmas will be different. And of course Janson Christmas will be very different too. And it's final season on campus. You can feel the tension in the air.

Until today, I was feeling very relaxed and comfortable. Life was good, my big tasks and hurdles were completed a few days ago. I felt good about how everything came about: Sunday school, Alternative Gift Fair, the PSF Advent party, the Campus Wide Advent service. I was hopeful and expectant, as Advent challenges us to be. I was relishing in the sun & warm weather, embracing the many possibilities for my life post my YAV year, and enjoying spending time with the community I've established here.

In a matter of a few hours, it's become so much more complicated and uncomfortable. I know that joy and sorrow, calm and chaos are all to be expected in life. It still is crappy when life gets all shook up again though. So, I get by through praying for comfort and peace; healing and renewal of spirits; for hope to bless us all in the moments of hopelessness. That's the reality of Advent: finding a reason to be hopeful and expectant in a world and time when it's so hard to do that.

PSF Devo

This is the devotion that I wrote for the weekly email Presbyterian Student Fellowship sends out each Monday. I hope it moves you and causes you to think of the life changing moments you have each day. Blessings!

Sunday night was my first Christmas pageant experience. It was quite an experience: costumes, props, singing, joking, and a for-real videographer. I went with some of my housemates to Second Presbyterian’s “The Backwards Christmas Pageant.” I didn’t understand the title until the play started and the wise people appeared first. Then it dawned on me: backwards means the story is going to go backwards.

As the pageant continued, the story got closer to Jesus. The wise people came and went; the shepherds disappeared before the audience knew where they had fled to (the manager), and the sheep continued to wander through the sanctuary. Near the end of the pageant, Mary and Joseph were talking about what it meant to welcome Jesus into their lives. Joseph was questioning how Mary felt about it all—especially the part with the angel telling her she was to have God’s son, when she simply replied: “There are moments that change everything, and this was one of them.” Later in the pageant, as the gathered characters stood over the manger, adoring the babe, the narrator kept saying: “This will change everything.”

We’ve all had those moments, the moments in our own lives that change everything: the moments of new life, death, moving away from home, trips to distant lands, deep conversations, etc. Beyond those moments, there was a babe born in a manger who changed everything. His life was a million moments that changed everything—from the angel that proclaimed his birth, to the miracles, to a painful death on a cross, to a glorious resurrection. Every moment about his life changed everything we know. All of his moments make our life changing moments mean something much more.

While this Advent season is full of finals and heading home for the holidays, remember that each and every moment you have in your life has the power and the ability to change things, just as all of Christ’s moments have changed everything.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him not one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people.

To all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God. John 1. 1-4; 12-13

Advent adoration

It's 10:56pm Central time, and I just got home from work. Granted I went in at 2pm this afternoon, so I did put in my 8 hours. But I got home so late tonight because of the Campus Wide Advent service. Jennifer and I put the worship service together, and then other other campus ministers did readings and had students from their fellowship groups share stories based on the liturgy. We used a liturgy that focused on some of the signs of Advent: the cedar branch which is a sign of majesty, holly and ivy as signs of pain and love, the evergreen wreath as a sign of life and peace, and finally the Christmas tree, a sign of light in darkness.

It was a beautiful service. . . ending in carols and candle light. And as I stood there, singing, "O Come, All Ye Faithful" with my lit candle, I was struck by how the Spirit was moving through St. Augustine's chapel. Even though I did help plan the service, and therefore am a bit bias, I think it might be the most moving Advent service I have been to.

I was also struck with what it means to 'adore' Christ. When I think of the word 'adore,' I immediately think of a cute baby that someone is cooing over; chubby checks to squeeze, and bright open eyes that are trying to take in and make sense of the whole world. Is that what Jesus was like in the manager. . . trying to take in the whole world with his mother cooing over his head? Or was he all ready aware at that point of his role in the world, that he would in fact take in the whole world with his love?

What does it look like for me to adore him now? How do I go about adoring Christ? There is so much in this world that is not adorable, how do I move beyond that? How do I come before Christ and adore him?

I've just decided that that question is going to be my Advent prayer; that in this time of expectant waiting and hoping, that I would find out what it means/looks like to come to Christ the Lord and adore him.