smile in my eyes

Yesterday was one of those busy, glorious kinds of days.

I had tasks, emails, coffee dates with students, house community time and fabulous conversations all around. I had happy thoughts about my family, embraced having too much to do (but found the time to do most of it) and pushed myself to be positive and energy filled even at the close of the day.

Sometimes I surprise myself when I mentally challenge myself to be excited and positive. I can pull it off. . . most of the time. I harness an energy from deep within and go with it. I can feel my smile in my eyes. And the more I smile in my eyes, the more I'm feeling it deep in my heart. True, my heart is still hurting, and my body and mind are still tired and worn down.

But, I'm making it. And I'm growing into a spiritually richer person who is working at finding joy in the little things. Little things like heart-warming coffee conversations, sunny November days, and breakfast dates with new found friends. Can you see the smile in my eyes?

signs for comfort

This is my 30th post. 30 is my favorite number, mostly because of my birthday. But my second favorite number is 3. I like 3 because it's the 30 without a zero. But I love 3 because it reminds me that I'm #3 in the Janson family granddaughters. And this weekend, while in Erie for Gramps' services, I have never been more proud to be called by number.

We had over 50 family members come in, saw about 400 people in the four hours of his viewing, and then had a beautiful tribute to his life on Sunday. My heart is still heavy with his "passing" and having to return to Nashville while the family is still together in Erie. But I have to move on. I'd be hurting myself, and I'd like to think Gramps, if I left Nashville and the work I'm doing here. True, some days, I wonder what exactly I'm doing. I feel like I write emails that are never responded to, that I have hour conversations that only skim the surface. I go home to new friends and never take advantage of all the possibilities Nashville holds for me.

But, in the last week, I've felt and seen glimpses of being in the right place. It was in the emails and facebook posts from new Nashville friends that shared their condolences. It was the phone calls and messages, just to "check in." It was seeing my Westminster adviser in the airport on my way back to Tennessee. It was also the Sherwin-Williams truck that passed me; the Veterans that proudly walked around town yesterday. It's been reading daily devotions that talk about the Saints that have gone before us.

I've been asking God for a sign to let me know that Gramps is okay. Maybe they've been there all along. I guess my prayers should be for God to open my heart and eyes to the messages He's always been sending.

"but the greatest of these is love"

My last post was about the new great loves of my life. Yesterday morning one of my life's greatest loves had passed from this world. My Gramps died after his two month battle with lymphoma of the brain.I still can't wrap my head around the idea that I won't see him, his big smile, or receive one of his empowering hugs. It's been a hard two months for me, especially since the last time I saw him was before any of this had happened--I learned of the brain tumor after I was all ready at YAV Orientation.

I head home on Friday morning for some much needed family time, viewings, and the service. I'm joyful and excited to see my family, to be with them, and to celebrate the great of love of life that Gramps always carried with him. It will certainly be hard, but I know that his love is with me, and enables me to live and serve each day here in Nashville.

Thank you for all your prayers and love.

Blessings from Gramps' #3,
Bethany

CNN Interview

A really cool CNN interview with a former YAV who served in Kenya. Check it out @

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/bestoftv/2009/11/01/fof.kenyan.mission.cnn.html