focus on the present

Much of my YAV has been spent looking into the future. I think that's the nature of one year programs, lots of focus into whats coming next. And that's great. I really wouldn't be ready for seminary if it wasn't the vocational discernment and other such "forward looking" experiences I've had through this year.

But this morning at church I was reminded of "old" life lessons. Worship opened with Holy, Holy, Holy. It's a great hymn, one that with a brief look to the next stanza, I can sing from memory. But today, I focused on the words. The words are so familiar that typically my imagination shuts down and the words are simply black letters on a page. The words only occasionally strike me, make me think, cause me to think about anything beyond what's next in the bulletin.

Today, I went back (mentally) to my Confirmation class in 8th grade when Mr. Skinner came into the class and we talked about hymns. Holy, Holy, Holy was one of the ones we discussed. We talked about the saints casting down their crowns and what that meant. I remember saying at that time I that suspected that that reference meant that "the saints" were acknowledging Jesus as Lord and king; and that their earthly positions of glory were nothing in comparison to Jesus.

I thought about my time at FootSteps and "This Little Light of Mine" in reference to the darkness in verse two. I thought about the times of darkness in my life, when I let the darkness slip in and I wallowed there for a while.

In the midst of trying to stay in the present (not the future), I was reminded of a lot of great moments and lessons from my past. All those things and moments and experiences that have shaped me and gotten me to this place so I can look into the future and be comfortable in the present.

staying put

It's been hard to "stay" in Nashville. In one sense, yes, I'm eager to get some more traveling and exploration in. But mostly it's been hard to stay in Nashville mentally and emotionally. With my Columbia Seminary acceptance letter and scholarship, I've mentally moved on. PSF had it's last worship on Tuesday night, and in two weeks the majority of students will be home for their summers. My role on Vandy's campus will change; my walks won't include seeing the community I've built there. And the general charm about living in community with four other Young Adult Volunteers has worn off. Living out "intentional Christian community" definitely has it's highs and lows.

A year ago when I said that I was ready to be broken and grow in new ways, I never expected all that has come my way. I'm tired--it's not been easy. But there is a lot of it that has been good. Fabulous life experiences: keynoting a youth retreat, leading a Guatemala trip, meeting and working with lots of great PC(USA) pastors, learning how to articulate my own faith and theology, discovering my passion for community building . . . the list goes on. I am confident that if it wasn't for this year of growth and challenges, I would not be so excited to venture off to seminary, nor would I be ready to venture off. It's been a good year, and I mean that. And now, with around three months left, I need to hold onto that mentality and see what else comes my way.

thoughts and ramblings

Easter is come and gone. I'm back to eating some meat (I gave meat up for Lent). My family is back in PA after a great visit. I got my acceptance letter to Columbia Seminary for the fall, so pending some financial aid, that's where I'll be come September. I'm seriously considering pursuing the Ordination track, which is new for me. Spring has sprung; and for the first time I really get the concept of spring marking Easter's themes of life and death so well--which is hard to do in Erie, when there's typically still snow. We're beginning the end of things on campus. I've got a little less than a month left with the students. I'm leading a class through April on art and spirituality. I'm tired with community living, and craving my own space. I'm sad that I only have about four months left in Nashville. I got about four, maybe five?, inches of my hair cut off. I'm addicted to Goodwill shopping. I'm eating fish/seafood regularly. I'm still terrible at returning phone calls and personal emails. I've been to the Nashville zoo with Sarah, experienced Chipotle with Kayla, and am planning for a few more visitors before this YAV experience is over. I'm trying to squeeze a trip to visit the Denver YAVs and the Compassion Buddha Retreat House before I no longer have friends out there. I can't believe I was in Guatemala a month ago. I've learned how important it is to know people's stories before you judge or assume that you understand who they are. I've learned that sharing my own story with people isn't as scary as I've always thought. I've been learning a lot--somethings have changed and somethings never will. Welcome to my year full of growth. Welcome to my year of service for a lifetime of change. Welcome to my life.