spiritual catch up

It's been a bit of a challenging week or so since my last post. God is stretching me, and as is usual, it's not been comfortable.

Last Wednesday I had a male student question how I, as a woman, could possibly be called into ministry. He probed deeper, asking what my and the PC(USA)'s view was on 1 Corinthians 14:34, were Paul states that women should remain silent. I was stunned by his questions, they were totally unexpected, as most of my coffee dates with students are full of casual chit-chat. Unfortunately, I was totally caught off guard by his questions; these are questions I had never personally been asked before. I stumbled my way through a shoddy answer and left our time together feeling frustrated by my own lack of an answer. Jennifer was helpful as I discussed this conversation later, and has passed along a book (Being Presbyterian in the Bible Belt) to help me form an opinion, or at least a response when this question arises again, which it will she assures me, in seminary, if not before.

Consequently, I've been thinking a lot about his questions. It's caused me to think about my calling, the shape it is taking, and the path I'm feeling 'pulled' towards. If seminary is really the next step, I have a lot of reading, and personal exploration ahead of me, so I know how to answer those questions without too much hesitation. It has really rocked my world though. It now seems strange that I've been contemplating this call into the ministry for so long and this is the first time I can remember my sex being a reason to reconsider. I don't really think I'm reconsidering my call, but I've definitely been putting much more energy and focus into it after that conversation.

Using all that extra energy has caught up with me. I'm feeling drained in all ways, the little things are getting to me, and all of a sudden I'm homesick. Thanks be to God, though, who "arranged" for me to have wonderful conversations with my parents, Susan, Jennifer, and even Ken, the pastor at Downtown. In each conversation, I have found that talking through my feelings has really helped. Each of them has listened, given me the space to cry, to laugh, to be angry and to talk about all the reasons why "life is finally catching up with me." It appears to be true, that even you move away from home, do lots of self-reflection and discovery, but do not take the time to process it all, everything will catch up to you. The little things over the weekend were the final straws, causing my spirit to be drained and my lack of processing to catch up with me.

Now, almost a week after that conversation, I'm slowly feeling better. It's been a rough week but I've learned a lot and had a lot of conversations that have blessed my life.