Advent adoration

It's 10:56pm Central time, and I just got home from work. Granted I went in at 2pm this afternoon, so I did put in my 8 hours. But I got home so late tonight because of the Campus Wide Advent service. Jennifer and I put the worship service together, and then other other campus ministers did readings and had students from their fellowship groups share stories based on the liturgy. We used a liturgy that focused on some of the signs of Advent: the cedar branch which is a sign of majesty, holly and ivy as signs of pain and love, the evergreen wreath as a sign of life and peace, and finally the Christmas tree, a sign of light in darkness.

It was a beautiful service. . . ending in carols and candle light. And as I stood there, singing, "O Come, All Ye Faithful" with my lit candle, I was struck by how the Spirit was moving through St. Augustine's chapel. Even though I did help plan the service, and therefore am a bit bias, I think it might be the most moving Advent service I have been to.

I was also struck with what it means to 'adore' Christ. When I think of the word 'adore,' I immediately think of a cute baby that someone is cooing over; chubby checks to squeeze, and bright open eyes that are trying to take in and make sense of the whole world. Is that what Jesus was like in the manager. . . trying to take in the whole world with his mother cooing over his head? Or was he all ready aware at that point of his role in the world, that he would in fact take in the whole world with his love?

What does it look like for me to adore him now? How do I go about adoring Christ? There is so much in this world that is not adorable, how do I move beyond that? How do I come before Christ and adore him?

I've just decided that that question is going to be my Advent prayer; that in this time of expectant waiting and hoping, that I would find out what it means/looks like to come to Christ the Lord and adore him.

strenghts and weaknesses

Yesterday, as is usual for the Nashville YAV community, we gathered for our time of vocational discernment. This week we talked about the book we read: "Community and Growth." It was a good book, a little long, but a good read on all aspects of Christian community. While discussing one of the chapters, Liz shared a thought that has been on my mind ever since. Liz shared that: "I came into this year thinking I would be working on my strengths, instead I've been working on all my weaknesses."

The same thing has been true in my life. I've been working on all the things that challenge me: saying 'no,' trying to find balance, passing judgment, speaking up for what I believe in. . . this list could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.

The YAV motto is: A year of service for a lifetime of change. While I'm sure I've made some change through PSF or maybe even Downtown Pres, I'm realizing now that a lot of change is happening within me, in how I view the world, and in the life I'm now living. Working on my weaknesses is hard, but it will certainly create a change in me.

lists

December 1st marked the beginning of my fourth month in Nashville. And in the day to day hustle and bustle, so much happens. And while some thoughts and sights are profound, or interesting, or challenging, this blog entry is simply going to be a list of some of the ways I've spent the last three months.

At Vanderbilt, with the Presbyterian Student Fellowship, I:
-take students out for coffee and conversation
-help to physically prepare our worship space each Tuesday night
-participate in Tuesday night worship
-send emails, hand-written cards, text messages, facebook posts to students, graduate students, Jennifer, and other campus ministers. Occasionally family and friends get them too. :)
-have lunch in the First Year cafeteria each Monday
-attend the graduate Theology on Tap program each Thursday night
-go to the mission events, monthly Council meetings(imagine a college session meeting), and have even gone to a Board meeting
-go grocery shopping for the ministry events, and occasionally cook the food
-have gone white water rafting, to Memphis for fall break, and am planning/helping to organize the Montreat College Conference trip, the Ski trip, and the spring break trip to Guatemala
-participate in a Bible Study and led a four week discussion group on discernment and call

In Nashville I:
-have played in the Bicentennial Mall fountains
-hiked at Radnor Lake
-have enjoyed the green ways at Shelby Bottoms
-used the airport four times in three months
-enjoyed the ArtCrawl downtown
-have learned (slowly) the highway and road systems

For the Nashville Epiphany Project (my host agency, so to speak) I:
-attend Friday morning sessions with the seven other YAVs and Susan to talk about life, discernment, discuss books we've been reading, and listening to other people tell their discernment stories
-live with four of the YAVs in an 1,100sq. ft. house in East Nashville
-have intentional community time each Monday night
-attend church at Downtown Presbyterian Church
-meet with Janet, a career counselor and an ordained PC(USA) pastor
-meet with Susan to "check in" about how I'm doing

At Downtown Pres I:
-worship
-will be teaching Sunday school on my trip to Malawi, and how that influenced me to become a YAV
-serve lunch and breakfast to the homeless people who gather on Wednesday afternoons and Sunday mornings
-work with Habitat for Humanity
-visit with new found friends
-serve at their annual 'Waffle Shop' fundraiser (imagine an entire church fellowship hall filled with the smell of waffles, grits, sausage, and coffee.)
-have breakfast and share stories and laughs, and occasionally tears with the pastor, Ken
-am slowly embracing the community there that is embracing me

In my own life and faith life I:
-was worried and in constant prayer for my Gramps and Gram through the whole cancer struggle, and cried each time something happened that I couldn't be present in PA for
-continue to mourn Gramps' loss, while trying to rejoice in the promise of the Church Triumphant
-question often what my call in life is
-wonder what God wants me to do next year
-try to imagine living in Nashville long term or moving to a new place
-struggle to stay in contact with people from Westminster and Erie
-struggle to keep healthy life boundaries

As I hope you can tell I'm loving this city, the people I work, live, and fellowship with, the work I'm doing, and the growth I know is transpiring by constantly putting myself out there and processing all the changes that have happened.

But then there is the whole being away from family and friends as exciting and difficult things happen. There is the self-imposed urgency on what my next step in life will be. And then the Advent/Christmas chaos is also settling in. It's safe to say that I'm not entirely emotionally stable with all that's going on. But I've been thinking and processing, reflecting and talking about all that's going on, which is constantly proving to be helpful. A lot has happened in three months; and in the months to follow there is going to be much more . . . and I can only imagine what that list is going to look like.

smile in my eyes

Yesterday was one of those busy, glorious kinds of days.

I had tasks, emails, coffee dates with students, house community time and fabulous conversations all around. I had happy thoughts about my family, embraced having too much to do (but found the time to do most of it) and pushed myself to be positive and energy filled even at the close of the day.

Sometimes I surprise myself when I mentally challenge myself to be excited and positive. I can pull it off. . . most of the time. I harness an energy from deep within and go with it. I can feel my smile in my eyes. And the more I smile in my eyes, the more I'm feeling it deep in my heart. True, my heart is still hurting, and my body and mind are still tired and worn down.

But, I'm making it. And I'm growing into a spiritually richer person who is working at finding joy in the little things. Little things like heart-warming coffee conversations, sunny November days, and breakfast dates with new found friends. Can you see the smile in my eyes?

signs for comfort

This is my 30th post. 30 is my favorite number, mostly because of my birthday. But my second favorite number is 3. I like 3 because it's the 30 without a zero. But I love 3 because it reminds me that I'm #3 in the Janson family granddaughters. And this weekend, while in Erie for Gramps' services, I have never been more proud to be called by number.

We had over 50 family members come in, saw about 400 people in the four hours of his viewing, and then had a beautiful tribute to his life on Sunday. My heart is still heavy with his "passing" and having to return to Nashville while the family is still together in Erie. But I have to move on. I'd be hurting myself, and I'd like to think Gramps, if I left Nashville and the work I'm doing here. True, some days, I wonder what exactly I'm doing. I feel like I write emails that are never responded to, that I have hour conversations that only skim the surface. I go home to new friends and never take advantage of all the possibilities Nashville holds for me.

But, in the last week, I've felt and seen glimpses of being in the right place. It was in the emails and facebook posts from new Nashville friends that shared their condolences. It was the phone calls and messages, just to "check in." It was seeing my Westminster adviser in the airport on my way back to Tennessee. It was also the Sherwin-Williams truck that passed me; the Veterans that proudly walked around town yesterday. It's been reading daily devotions that talk about the Saints that have gone before us.

I've been asking God for a sign to let me know that Gramps is okay. Maybe they've been there all along. I guess my prayers should be for God to open my heart and eyes to the messages He's always been sending.

"but the greatest of these is love"

My last post was about the new great loves of my life. Yesterday morning one of my life's greatest loves had passed from this world. My Gramps died after his two month battle with lymphoma of the brain.I still can't wrap my head around the idea that I won't see him, his big smile, or receive one of his empowering hugs. It's been a hard two months for me, especially since the last time I saw him was before any of this had happened--I learned of the brain tumor after I was all ready at YAV Orientation.

I head home on Friday morning for some much needed family time, viewings, and the service. I'm joyful and excited to see my family, to be with them, and to celebrate the great of love of life that Gramps always carried with him. It will certainly be hard, but I know that his love is with me, and enables me to live and serve each day here in Nashville.

Thank you for all your prayers and love.

Blessings from Gramps' #3,
Bethany

CNN Interview

A really cool CNN interview with a former YAV who served in Kenya. Check it out @

http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/bestoftv/2009/11/01/fof.kenyan.mission.cnn.html